So I've only written a few blogs on Mr. Quin's blog partly because of laziness, partly forgetting about it, and partly the idea of not being funny/informative (strong possibility). But having read his recent excerpts from his time in Cocktail U (THE UUUUU), I am ashamed and enlightened to let you know that I also attended this 14 days of hell. Mine was in Tewksbury which was 10 mins from my apartment at the time so I guess it could've been worse. I won't get into a full breakdown of this experience but wanted to make it a point to speak about my roommate.
This gentlemen was an oversized man who, as intimidating as he was at first (6'4", at least 260), I immediately detected a "bull-shit" factor with him and that he had a Dr. Suess level of story-telling in him. This was evident after Day #1. Not sure if SQ mentioned how shitty Day 1 was but I must say it was the worst day of my adult life. After checking, waiting, then filling out the paper work, waiting, meeting the nurse about health stuff, then waiting some more... Finally ending up in the most important room in the building to the DUIL folk, the payment part. You then wait more, get assigned a room with your belongings that were sifted through, chucked into a nasty sleeping bad-type bags, and waiting a little more before you were assigned your room. Finally, I was like "nice, whether there's a dude there or not, I will lay down for the 20 mins we were given as a break, and savor every minute. I walked in to see Shrek (that's what I call him now circa 2013, Shrek), laying on the bottom bunk (fucker) and waiting to annoy someone. Shrek was friendly and actually made me feel comfortable because he appeared cool and didn't want to be there just as much as me. Only problem? Shrek talked my fucking ear off like I was Donkey waiting to get his opinions on the world.
After a long day of bullshit and the last meeting of the head counselers pretty much telling us we were in their house and it was their rules and we were fucked, and blah blah blah... it was time for "free time" on our floor prior to lights out. I met a couple of cool guys my age that could be somewhat conversational through these 14 long days. But by lights out, I was nearly sleeping... And then.... Shrek starting talking, and talking about everything one person could possibly talk about.
Not to drag on with this post (too late), but Shrek had a theory that he claims: "Believe me, I know people in positions of power that know these are facts". I'm talking about the fact that the government can control the natural disasters our world encounters every year, some bigger than others. They can control deadly earthquakes, volcano eruptions, tornadoes and tidal waves, etc. You get the picture, this motherfucker claimed it was the gov't controlled this so they can control the population by having people die in these natural disasters, so the world doesn't get overpopulated. I am as awestruck as anyone reading this (anyone?). This, and the fact that the still in power Nazi organization still exists and counsels our gov't to make this over-population theory acted upon. This dude claims that there is an alien lifeform that the gov't controls and that they can control these weather systems, and can make them as bad as they want, but the Nazi's are very much still in place (I'm not talking neo-Nazi extremist groups, but actual persons of power a-la Hitler).
So after 60 mins of trying to sleep, and me occassionally asking if he was fucking with me and asking follow up questions to see if he'd finally admit he was fucking with me... He then goes on to... I finally fall asleep. A few more nights of this psychotic babble eventually led me to my best defense: pretending to sleep. He'd be like "you asleep?" and I would not answer pretending to sleep, which led him to SHUT THHHHEEEE FUCK UPPPPP!
My only satisfying point to the entire 14 days was stepping down my shady ladder they provided to get off the top bunk to go and piss, and "accidentally" stepping on Shrek's shin only to have him wake with a screech and a "fuckkk mannnn". I did this 3 more times with the same results.
Finally, as freedom day came he asked me to give him a ride to a train station so he could get to Boston and buy new clothes and do god knows what. I sucked it up and had my girlfriend (literally a saint), drive this asswipe to the commuter rail for him to catch a train. Upon arriving I told him his train was 10 mins away and he wanted the "outbound" train.
As we drove away, I sat back in the car seat only to feel a sense of satisfaction know this story-telling Oger would be heading to Lowell with about an hour wait.
I also learned alot that week, but the most important was that some people live in a different reality, even if its a parallel universe of old acid trips and ideas of Nazi-aliens controlling our natural disasters.
Damn I need a drink (with NO driving) :)
Friday, July 26, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Lessons in Douchebaggery
Oh it be rant time!
Why must people talk on their phones like they are eating a piece of pizza? Why? Just put it to your fucking ear and talk on it like it was designed to do.
Nevermind the fact that I hate when people put me on speaker in the first place because you can't hear a fucking goddamn thing they are saying, now I'm relegated to watching these douchebags walk down the street with their inane conversations holding the fucking phone like they are going to take a delicate bite out of it. They can't even eat phone pizza right.
That's a lesson in douchebaggery for another day..the way douchebags eat. They take pieces off things like everything is fucking cotton candy rather than destroying food like it was meant to be. You take that goddamn pizza and shove as much of it in your mouth at once like a fucking man. You don't tear off a piece of crust and eat it like a pussy fart...but I digress. Like I said, a lesson for another day.
See Below:
Annoys the piss out of me...literally. I see this and I immediately piss myself uncontrollably because I'm annoyed.
Oh there's another lesson in douchebaggery right there...using the word literally either figuratively or fucking out of context when it doesn't belong. Such as, "I literally was all like, oh my god." huh? infuriating...breaaaaaaaaaaathe.
Why must people talk on their phones like they are eating a piece of pizza? Why? Just put it to your fucking ear and talk on it like it was designed to do.
Nevermind the fact that I hate when people put me on speaker in the first place because you can't hear a fucking goddamn thing they are saying, now I'm relegated to watching these douchebags walk down the street with their inane conversations holding the fucking phone like they are going to take a delicate bite out of it. They can't even eat phone pizza right.
That's a lesson in douchebaggery for another day..the way douchebags eat. They take pieces off things like everything is fucking cotton candy rather than destroying food like it was meant to be. You take that goddamn pizza and shove as much of it in your mouth at once like a fucking man. You don't tear off a piece of crust and eat it like a pussy fart...but I digress. Like I said, a lesson for another day.
See Below:
Annoys the piss out of me...literally. I see this and I immediately piss myself uncontrollably because I'm annoyed.
Oh there's another lesson in douchebaggery right there...using the word literally either figuratively or fucking out of context when it doesn't belong. Such as, "I literally was all like, oh my god." huh? infuriating...breaaaaaaaaaaathe.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Full Circle Series: Epilogue
In all seriousness, I took a lot out of these two
weeks. The experience gave me so much
time to think and reflect that I didn’t need the classes or groups that
much. However, this 2 week “seminar”
just reinforced the thoughts of changes I wanted to make and was already
making.
3) My confidence/self esteem is a real issue that needs to be addressed.
4) Awareness of paths that lead to irresponsible drinking behavior have been identified. Excess doesn't come from depression or sadness, but when things are actually going really well.
5) Awareness that this kind of drinking derailment runs in our family. Use it as a bookmark reminder. I do not want to go down that path.
Author's Note 2013:
Years later, getting married and having a child have also dampered my intemperate youth.
My last significant spat with drinking to excess came a few years ago when I ended up falling asleep in a haunted house, but that's a story for another day.
I am hoping
with all my heart that my ordeal has taught you all a lesson. I can’t shove this philosophy of not drinking
and driving down your throat because I feel like you can only truly learn
through experience. As sad as that is,
it rings true for most. I know it did
for me.
Several
realizations have taken place during my residency here.
1) Upon my reflections and observations I will
not take things for granted anymore. I'm not invincible.
2) I have
identified my demon and its name is Hard Liquor. Whenever I have gotten in trouble in my life
it has been in direct correlation with me drinking hard booze. (Author's note 2013: Still a "dark passenger" in my life, you will hardly ever see me drinking it)
I finish
this journey the same way I started it, excited and anxious. This time however, it is because I’m
embracing freedom once again with a new lease on life. I am truly more enlightened after finishing
this program, and I hope I at least stirred some inner thoughts in each of you.
Author's Note 2013:
Years later, getting married and having a child have also dampered my intemperate youth.
My last significant spat with drinking to excess came a few years ago when I ended up falling asleep in a haunted house, but that's a story for another day.
Full Circle Series Day 14: Get This Damn Tag Off Of Me!
All I can think about now is
getting out of here. I just looked at
the clock and it ticked backwards. They
have to give me something to do so the time will go by faster. It is really windy out, cold, and I ran out
of socks. Somehow I lost a pair even
though I didn’t do laundry. I swear when
I find that sock leprechaun I’m going to teach him a lesson. Actually, I’ll steal his socks one by one and
see how he likes it.
I have picked up an idiosyncrasy that I never thought would happen. From observing and making fun of my Dad so much with the way he eats jelly beans, M&M’s, popcorn, or peanuts I have picked up the same tic. I noticed it the other day when I was eating jelly beans and I immediately fell to my knees screaming, “NOOOOOOO”.
You know those cliche prison exit scenes from movies where the ex-con comes out of the prison with just a paper bag and there's his mistress leaning on the car waiting for him? Yes, a wild hugging scene ensues and blah blah blah.
Mine? I come out in above mentioned crappy weather to my Dad in the cozy warm car with a scowl on his face, white knuckled and ready to go.
Me: "Hey Dad, missed you! Can't wait to get home!"
Dad: "Got everything? Let's go"
Not exactly what I envisioned.
I have picked up an idiosyncrasy that I never thought would happen. From observing and making fun of my Dad so much with the way he eats jelly beans, M&M’s, popcorn, or peanuts I have picked up the same tic. I noticed it the other day when I was eating jelly beans and I immediately fell to my knees screaming, “NOOOOOOO”.
You know those cliche prison exit scenes from movies where the ex-con comes out of the prison with just a paper bag and there's his mistress leaning on the car waiting for him? Yes, a wild hugging scene ensues and blah blah blah.
Mine? I come out in above mentioned crappy weather to my Dad in the cozy warm car with a scowl on his face, white knuckled and ready to go.
Me: "Hey Dad, missed you! Can't wait to get home!"
Dad: "Got everything? Let's go"
Not exactly what I envisioned.
Full Circle Series Day 13: Routine
It just occurred to me that I
never gave an example of my daily schedule.
Here is a running blog of a typical day’s events:
6:30 - Wake up Call/Smoke Break: Personally, I think they
should just yell "Smoke Break!" instead of "Wake Up!" because that is when everyone
comes running out of their rooms like it’s a fire drill. Meanwhile, I don’t hear a thing anymore
because I have my ear plugs stuck so far in my ear I need the jaws-of-life to
get them out of my head. Oh yeah did I
mention that my roommate raises and races pigeons?
7:00 - Roll Call + Breakfast: They read off everyone’s name
to make sure they are there then we go off to breakfast consisting of cereal,
toast, and bananas. Everyday, for 14
days, cereal, toast, and bananas. So of
course I stopped eating it on the 3rd day when I realized there
wasn’t going to be steak and eggs anytime soon.
I still have to travel down the 92 steps to sit there for 5 minutes then
rebelliously sneak out and climb back up the 92 steps. Come to find out I’m not rebellious at all
since another kid sneaks back into his room everyday despite the cameras going
down the hall. I tried this once, got
away with it, but never did it again because I was pacing back and forth in my
room freaking out about getting caught.
8:15- Groups: We travel down 75 steps to go into a room and talk about things that are to stay in that room. Needless to say nothing is ever said so it doesn’t matter.
9:15 -10:45 -
Mandatory Recreation: I wouldn’t really classify this as recreation since it is
mandatory, and also because it resembles more of a cattle train. They round us up for a walk around the worst
part of Worcester Worcester
11:00 - Class: This is class time in which in previous days
I told you how I take notes and how I spend the whole hour pondering new ways
the cafeteria can incorporate beans into the menu.
12:00 - Lunch: Everything has beans in it. Sometimes it makes sense i.e. franks and
beans, but other times makes you scratch you head in wonder. Why are there beans with seafood salad? Doesn’t seem right at all. This doesn’t stop me from eating it however
(see not losing weight).
12:45 -3:00 -
Optional Recreation: If it’s nice out we go play softball. On the way to the field we converse with the
local patrons who must be on the weekend parade committee I mentioned earlier
because I see them asking for donations with catchy slogans on their cardboard
signs. If it is raining I go nap for 3
hours. (Author's Note 2013: 3 hours???? I'd kill for 15 minutes nowadays)
3:00- Class- I fall asleep through most of these too. I wouldn’t have to if my roommate didn’t snore at night and my dreams err nightmares weren’t filled with pigeons flying after me with my roommate who has 2 teeth laughing at me.
4:00- Group project/Class- These were put into place to promote teamwork, get to know each other, and to see that there are other things to do other than drink alcohol to have fun. Hmmmm, if I am making straw constructions that house an egg so it doesn’t break and drawing pictures of fictional animals while I am sober, people are going to think I am drunk at the time I am doing these things so I may as well become an alcoholic.
5:00- Dinner: More impressive bean creations…Bean pudding? What the?
7:00- AA meeting: The first AA meeting was interesting and enlightening. Then they had another one…and another one…and ANOTHER ONE. Pretty soon it got diluted and redundant so I stopped listening. We had that victim’s perspective class in this time slot one night and you all know how that went.
8:15 - Closing meeting: Oh, if only you guys could be a fly
on the wall for these meetings. So much
bullshit is flying around I’m surprised we don’t have a fly infestation. Everyone just wants to get out of there, even
the ones who are sincere and want help…even the counselors. It’s been a long day and everyone just wants
to go relax. Of course, there is one
person who doesn’t feel this vibe and is completely oblivious to it all.
MKIA doesn’t seem to understand that we don’t care about how the death of her cat is what causes her to drink. When the circle comes around to her EVERYONE rolls their eyes and starts getting huffy and impatient. Another interesting transformation takes place here. 35 yr olds cut their ages in half instantly and start making fart noises as well as other peanut gallery tomfoolery, but MKIA still drones on despite all this.
9-10:30: Depending on when MKIA shuts her yap we get the rest of the night free. I play cards, mostly Pitch. This is when the dinner band starts to come out and play. People’s bowels have no control over it, and it has a lot to do with the steady diet of beans. Gross I know, but it is not our fault. At least that is what the counselors have been telling us during our stay. Beaning is a disease…oh wait they were talking about alcohol, I should pay more attention.
10:30- Lights out: Yup quiet time until my roommate who raises and races pigeons (I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that yet) bitches and moans about the day then laments about how a raccoon got into his pigeon coop and ate one of his prized racers. Then I get to listen to him snore…Then I fall asleep.
Those were my days in a nutshell.
Here is a running blog of a typical day’s events:
8:15- Groups: We travel down 75 steps to go into a room and talk about things that are to stay in that room. Needless to say nothing is ever said so it doesn’t matter.
3:00- Class- I fall asleep through most of these too. I wouldn’t have to if my roommate didn’t snore at night and my dreams err nightmares weren’t filled with pigeons flying after me with my roommate who has 2 teeth laughing at me.
4:00- Group project/Class- These were put into place to promote teamwork, get to know each other, and to see that there are other things to do other than drink alcohol to have fun. Hmmmm, if I am making straw constructions that house an egg so it doesn’t break and drawing pictures of fictional animals while I am sober, people are going to think I am drunk at the time I am doing these things so I may as well become an alcoholic.
5:00- Dinner: More impressive bean creations…Bean pudding? What the?
7:00- AA meeting: The first AA meeting was interesting and enlightening. Then they had another one…and another one…and ANOTHER ONE. Pretty soon it got diluted and redundant so I stopped listening. We had that victim’s perspective class in this time slot one night and you all know how that went.
MKIA doesn’t seem to understand that we don’t care about how the death of her cat is what causes her to drink. When the circle comes around to her EVERYONE rolls their eyes and starts getting huffy and impatient. Another interesting transformation takes place here. 35 yr olds cut their ages in half instantly and start making fart noises as well as other peanut gallery tomfoolery, but MKIA still drones on despite all this.
9-10:30: Depending on when MKIA shuts her yap we get the rest of the night free. I play cards, mostly Pitch. This is when the dinner band starts to come out and play. People’s bowels have no control over it, and it has a lot to do with the steady diet of beans. Gross I know, but it is not our fault. At least that is what the counselors have been telling us during our stay. Beaning is a disease…oh wait they were talking about alcohol, I should pay more attention.
10:30- Lights out: Yup quiet time until my roommate who raises and races pigeons (I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that yet) bitches and moans about the day then laments about how a raccoon got into his pigeon coop and ate one of his prized racers. Then I get to listen to him snore…Then I fall asleep.
Those were my days in a nutshell.
Full Circle Series Day 12: Whoops!
Today was a 16 hour zone
out. I was not in the mood to listen at
all. In fact, my notes on spirituality
were mostly doodles consisting of cubes, me hanging myself from being so bored,
or pictures of anvils dropping on the people who asked questions just to hear
their own voice.
I was really on edge today, probably from lack of sleep, and I enforced that fact when I blew up at Webster. He kept running his mouth for a full 20 minutes about checkers and just refused to shut up despite my mind rays telling him otherwise. So I took the direct approach instead and told him to go be a nice boy and sit down (obviously said in harsher words and in my high pitched mad voice that no one can take seriously).
Since I have been relatively quiet all week this came as a surprise to everyone, and even with the high pitched mad voice, my point still got across because silence overcame the room. However, it didn’t reach our little Dominican friend because he had the gall to yell back at me saying I should mind my own business. Well, it is my business when you drone on and on about something as petty as a lost checkers game so loudly I can’t hear myself think anymore. Ugh, the little dink will probably have his posse out to get me when we get out of here.
Anyhoo, I had the age old lesson of not judging a book by its cover reinforced today. Senor Poopy Pants isn’t all that he appears to be. He just has had an unfortunate past, but he is trying to make things right. I’ll tell you that this guy has the driest sense of humor I have ever heard, so much so, that I can’t tell if he is kidding half the time.
If I can get through tomorrow fast enough I think I’ll be good to go. I thought I was going to lose weight while I was here, but it doesn’t appear that I have achieved that feat. Then again, how would I know when I see myself everyday. Outside comments will tell if I have or not.
Excuse me while I go rip Webster’s ears off and shove them up his ass so he can hear what he sounds like when he speaks.
I was really on edge today, probably from lack of sleep, and I enforced that fact when I blew up at Webster. He kept running his mouth for a full 20 minutes about checkers and just refused to shut up despite my mind rays telling him otherwise. So I took the direct approach instead and told him to go be a nice boy and sit down (obviously said in harsher words and in my high pitched mad voice that no one can take seriously).
Since I have been relatively quiet all week this came as a surprise to everyone, and even with the high pitched mad voice, my point still got across because silence overcame the room. However, it didn’t reach our little Dominican friend because he had the gall to yell back at me saying I should mind my own business. Well, it is my business when you drone on and on about something as petty as a lost checkers game so loudly I can’t hear myself think anymore. Ugh, the little dink will probably have his posse out to get me when we get out of here.
Anyhoo, I had the age old lesson of not judging a book by its cover reinforced today. Senor Poopy Pants isn’t all that he appears to be. He just has had an unfortunate past, but he is trying to make things right. I’ll tell you that this guy has the driest sense of humor I have ever heard, so much so, that I can’t tell if he is kidding half the time.
If I can get through tomorrow fast enough I think I’ll be good to go. I thought I was going to lose weight while I was here, but it doesn’t appear that I have achieved that feat. Then again, how would I know when I see myself everyday. Outside comments will tell if I have or not.
Excuse me while I go rip Webster’s ears off and shove them up his ass so he can hear what he sounds like when he speaks.
Full Circle Series Day 11: Home Stretch
I’m getting close to the end of
this journey. There are only a few more
days until my impending freedom.
Everyone’s tensions are running high, and they are sick of the stupid
rules that we have to follow. I for one
agree about the name tag rule. I’m
pretty sure everybody knows each other’s names by now so why are you taking
away people’s smoke breaks for not wearing them? Stupid.
As a matter of fact, Guy got yelled at today for mouthing off to Uncle
Buzz.
I had a random thought in one of our classes while I was eating some peanut butter crackers. I looked at the Keebler Elf and thought there was an uncanny resemblance to Henry Lavallee. Those of you who don’t know this man he is a family friend who lives up the street from my parents. My dad says he is the “salt of the earth” whatever the hell that means.
They made us write a letter as if we died in our last DUI incident to someone we loved or had unresolved issues with. I had a really tough time writing this for several reasons. First, how do I put all of these words and emotions on to paper in a half hour in basically 2 pages? Also, who the hell do I pick? There are so many people I care about and there is so much to be said. That is when it hit me, I don’t express my feelings (good, bad, or ugly) to the people I care about. I have taken this for granted as I’m sure we all have, but to get an assignment like this really puts things into perspective.
I will not reveal who I finally wrote the letter to, nor will I disclose the content of the letter. I actually ended up writing several of them in the time that I had, but none of them sounded right, and neither did the finished product. Like I stated before, there’s too much that had to be said and thought about before this could be done correctly. (Author's Note 2013: I have no clue where I stored that letter. If my mom did some snooping she's probably find it in things I left at the house before moving out. "Why'd you write this to so and so?" That'll be fun.)
I had a random thought in one of our classes while I was eating some peanut butter crackers. I looked at the Keebler Elf and thought there was an uncanny resemblance to Henry Lavallee. Those of you who don’t know this man he is a family friend who lives up the street from my parents. My dad says he is the “salt of the earth” whatever the hell that means.
They made us write a letter as if we died in our last DUI incident to someone we loved or had unresolved issues with. I had a really tough time writing this for several reasons. First, how do I put all of these words and emotions on to paper in a half hour in basically 2 pages? Also, who the hell do I pick? There are so many people I care about and there is so much to be said. That is when it hit me, I don’t express my feelings (good, bad, or ugly) to the people I care about. I have taken this for granted as I’m sure we all have, but to get an assignment like this really puts things into perspective.
I will not reveal who I finally wrote the letter to, nor will I disclose the content of the letter. I actually ended up writing several of them in the time that I had, but none of them sounded right, and neither did the finished product. Like I stated before, there’s too much that had to be said and thought about before this could be done correctly. (Author's Note 2013: I have no clue where I stored that letter. If my mom did some snooping she's probably find it in things I left at the house before moving out. "Why'd you write this to so and so?" That'll be fun.)
Full Circle Series Day 10: I Hate
Latin Webster has officially entered the realm of loathing with me. I
have had no problem with this kid up until this point. I never talk to him unless it is
incidental. He is a little loud and
talks a lot of trash, but whatever. I
immediately disliked him because he was from Lawrence Lawrence
Guy: “That (expletive) just don’t happen here. (Expletive) we get a puddle in our basement, and we all go bezerk with canoes + (expletive).”
Me: “Hahaha. Well, actuallyPeabody
Guy: “No they didn’t…I mean I bet they weren’t using boats and (expletive) like these guys.
Me: “Yeah they were…I mean it was only for a few days…nothing like what is going on inIllinois
Ok, so now that conversation ends innocently enough even though I feel like Cliff Claven with useless facts. However, Webster decides to ask Guy to come closer so he could say something to him so no one else can hear. Non discreetly I might add. So their pow-wow breaks and of course to cover up that they were telling a secret they speak louder with this exchange:
Webster: “Did you know that?”
Guy: “Yeah, Yeah I knew that.”
If this hadn’t happened directly after my conversation I wouldn’t be writing this right now. So now I am paranoid that EVERYBODY is talking about me or has a secret about me they don’t want me to hear. For the next 4 days I will probably brood over this, avoid everybody, and be completely silent so no one can have anything to talk about. They could have easily been talking about one of the ladies all of us hate, but I highly doubt it because I am a psycho. I have already had 5 daydreams on how to beat the shit out of the Dominican Webster. I, of course, won’t because I am a coward. Hmmm…did someone order a sociopath?
I hate my roommate. If anyone wants an impression of him I’ll be happy to oblige. Like I said when he snores it sounds like he is swallowing his mouth. I finally got earplugs to remedy this. First time since I’ve been here I am hoping to get some sleep. (Author's Note 2013: OHHHH THE IRONY!!! I now have to wear a sleep mask for my snoring...its contagious I think)
Funny how a few paragraphs ago I was venting about my paranoia and lack of confidence when in my group what is the subject, but self esteem. I get put on the hot seat because I am the only one raising my hand when he asks who has a self esteem/confidence problem.
As a true kick in the psychological groin African Uncle Buzz puts a twist on my problem that kind of scared me. My confidence problem, if not addressed, could put me on the path to more drinking later on. It makes sense to me now even though I got defensive and red in the face when he called me out on it.
A guy left today! Everyone referred to him as Mr. Bean. He only had 4 days left so I don’t understand why he left. He was with us on the morning walk and acting normally then when we get back he’s gone. I lost money on that bet. Oh well.
Guy: “That (expletive) just don’t happen here. (Expletive) we get a puddle in our basement, and we all go bezerk with canoes + (expletive).”
Me: “Hahaha. Well, actually
Guy: “No they didn’t…I mean I bet they weren’t using boats and (expletive) like these guys.
Me: “Yeah they were…I mean it was only for a few days…nothing like what is going on in
Ok, so now that conversation ends innocently enough even though I feel like Cliff Claven with useless facts. However, Webster decides to ask Guy to come closer so he could say something to him so no one else can hear. Non discreetly I might add. So their pow-wow breaks and of course to cover up that they were telling a secret they speak louder with this exchange:
Webster: “Did you know that?”
Guy: “Yeah, Yeah I knew that.”
If this hadn’t happened directly after my conversation I wouldn’t be writing this right now. So now I am paranoid that EVERYBODY is talking about me or has a secret about me they don’t want me to hear. For the next 4 days I will probably brood over this, avoid everybody, and be completely silent so no one can have anything to talk about. They could have easily been talking about one of the ladies all of us hate, but I highly doubt it because I am a psycho. I have already had 5 daydreams on how to beat the shit out of the Dominican Webster. I, of course, won’t because I am a coward. Hmmm…did someone order a sociopath?
I hate my roommate. If anyone wants an impression of him I’ll be happy to oblige. Like I said when he snores it sounds like he is swallowing his mouth. I finally got earplugs to remedy this. First time since I’ve been here I am hoping to get some sleep. (Author's Note 2013: OHHHH THE IRONY!!! I now have to wear a sleep mask for my snoring...its contagious I think)
Funny how a few paragraphs ago I was venting about my paranoia and lack of confidence when in my group what is the subject, but self esteem. I get put on the hot seat because I am the only one raising my hand when he asks who has a self esteem/confidence problem.
As a true kick in the psychological groin African Uncle Buzz puts a twist on my problem that kind of scared me. My confidence problem, if not addressed, could put me on the path to more drinking later on. It makes sense to me now even though I got defensive and red in the face when he called me out on it.
A guy left today! Everyone referred to him as Mr. Bean. He only had 4 days left so I don’t understand why he left. He was with us on the morning walk and acting normally then when we get back he’s gone. I lost money on that bet. Oh well.
Full Circle Series Day 6-9: Cabin Fever
Day 6-Nahtin N’ Ramblings
- Today was a very slow day. People are getting much too relaxed, and I am starting to take bets in my head on who is going to get kicked out first.
- Latin Webster is starting to piss me off royally. I should get Mr. Poppadoppolis after him.
- Tonight, sleeping is completely out of the question because it is so humid, and there is no air conditioning here. I tried turning it on, but I thought it was going to have a nuclear meltdown so I shut it off.
- I decided to grow a beard because I hate shaving.
- I finished reading a book today.
- MKIA (miss know it all) is starting to get on everyone’s nerves with her melodrama.
- I found out Spaz is here voluntarily. He needs help and wants it. Best of luck to him, he’s going to need it the way he is going at that sugar.
- I am slowly losing interest with this journal if you couldn’t already tell.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Day 8- Sunday Goo
Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Day 9- No more
No more journals unless I feel like it for the rest of my stay here. Everyday is exactly the same so it isn’t worth boring you or me with the details of the redundancy.
However, I did some math today. I will have traveled 15,456 steps during my residency here. Up and down 92 steps 12 times a day for 14 days.
I came up with a new invention that I thought I’d share so someone can steal it. Wireless earphones, unless of course that’s already invented. (Author's note 2013: not invented at the time c.2004-05) They will look like hearing aides and have a range of 200 ft or even certain mileage. Basically you can leave your radio/cd player on and go to the gym, do housework, go for a run, whatever, and you will be free of all of those wires and clunky radio equipment. I’ll store that with my edible pen cap idea.
Full Circle Series Day 5: Victim's Perspective
Today lent itself to personal reflection. You see videos, you hear testimonials, and
you hear other accounts of people’s experiences with drinking + driving. These stories become diluted over time, and lose their poignancy.
However, this woman came in and shared her powerful and tragic experience with us. It knocked me over like a freight train. Many of the memories of my stay here will fade with time, but this one I will forever cling on to.
After hearing her story I was sitting in my chair seething at everything that happened to her and ready to jump up and go to war for her. Then reality faded back in and I took account of my surroundings. I looked left and saw my pigeon loving roommate half asleep. I looked right and saw Spaz's leg jackhammering while he looked out the window with a blank stare. I then scanned the rest of the room to see if anyone was angry or just as emotional as I was. Nothing. Bunch of remorseless assholes.
Then the guilt started. I was a drunk driver much like that man that took her daughter. Personally I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself as he did, and the burden of taking a life alone would be enough punishment. That could have easily been me that took her daughter away from her. The fact that she could come in there and share her tragedy without passing judgment or scorn on us was truly remarkable.
I could not for the life of me make eye contact with her because I felt so ashamed. No mother deserves the burden of losing a child, and I NEVER want to be the person to inflict that kind of damage in the future. I am not an entirely emotional person, but I had to choke back tears afterwards.
I am not preaching nor do I intend to try to ram this fact down people’s throat, but I implore all who read this please think twice before getting behind the wheel of a car after a “few” drinks.
I promised myself I’d never do it again, and I ask for the same type of clear judgment from the rest of you. I can’t portray how sincerely I feel about this except to say look around to those that care for you or if a child is on the way will care for you. How would it make them feel if you were lost in an accident? This woman will never get to see her daughter get married, go to college, and make her proud. There are a bunch of “what ifs” that she was stripped of and watching her son grow up it gets worse I’m sure. I wonder how else it laid waste to her life; did she and her husband stay together? does she blame herself and ask "should it have been me?", and does she resent her son as weird as that sounds? All of these complicated questions because some nimrod couldn't call a cab.
I’m not like one of those born again Christians at the airport trying to shove their ideals at you, I’m just asking you to consider the consequences of your actions in the future. This is an instance where I wish I was a more powerful writer because there is no way to get this point across to people because they all have the mentality that it won’t happen to them. I had that same mentality and it happened to me...twice. It is very frustrating that things have to be learned the hard way in order for it to make sense to some people.
However, this woman came in and shared her powerful and tragic experience with us. It knocked me over like a freight train. Many of the memories of my stay here will fade with time, but this one I will forever cling on to.
I’ll spare
you all the details of the story, but will give you a synopsis. Fourteen years ago she and her 3 yr. old
daughter were standing at a corner when a car came screeching around a corner
and slammed into the little girl sending her down the street to her death. One more inch to the right and she, pregnant
at the time, would have been lost as well.
She goes on to tell about the ordeal of her shock and denial, but where
it gets really dicey is when the criminal proceedings for the driver come. The heartless bastard tries to get off
for what he did.
Meanwhile, she has to
go to court for a year straight reliving the incident over and over about
that horrific day through her own testimony and court proceedings. She is put through
such turmoil and I personally came to hate the justice system of how they
treated her like she wasn’t important when the case revolved around the single
most tragic event in her life. What hit
me harder was that the media put an unusual spin on the story that almost made
it like she was to blame. The driver
responsible for the heinous act was eventually sentenced to prison, but what I
found the most heartless was that he made no attempt to apologize or show
remorse.
After hearing her story I was sitting in my chair seething at everything that happened to her and ready to jump up and go to war for her. Then reality faded back in and I took account of my surroundings. I looked left and saw my pigeon loving roommate half asleep. I looked right and saw Spaz's leg jackhammering while he looked out the window with a blank stare. I then scanned the rest of the room to see if anyone was angry or just as emotional as I was. Nothing. Bunch of remorseless assholes.
Then the guilt started. I was a drunk driver much like that man that took her daughter. Personally I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself as he did, and the burden of taking a life alone would be enough punishment. That could have easily been me that took her daughter away from her. The fact that she could come in there and share her tragedy without passing judgment or scorn on us was truly remarkable.
I could not for the life of me make eye contact with her because I felt so ashamed. No mother deserves the burden of losing a child, and I NEVER want to be the person to inflict that kind of damage in the future. I am not an entirely emotional person, but I had to choke back tears afterwards.
I am not preaching nor do I intend to try to ram this fact down people’s throat, but I implore all who read this please think twice before getting behind the wheel of a car after a “few” drinks.
I promised myself I’d never do it again, and I ask for the same type of clear judgment from the rest of you. I can’t portray how sincerely I feel about this except to say look around to those that care for you or if a child is on the way will care for you. How would it make them feel if you were lost in an accident? This woman will never get to see her daughter get married, go to college, and make her proud. There are a bunch of “what ifs” that she was stripped of and watching her son grow up it gets worse I’m sure. I wonder how else it laid waste to her life; did she and her husband stay together? does she blame herself and ask "should it have been me?", and does she resent her son as weird as that sounds? All of these complicated questions because some nimrod couldn't call a cab.
I’m not like one of those born again Christians at the airport trying to shove their ideals at you, I’m just asking you to consider the consequences of your actions in the future. This is an instance where I wish I was a more powerful writer because there is no way to get this point across to people because they all have the mentality that it won’t happen to them. I had that same mentality and it happened to me...twice. It is very frustrating that things have to be learned the hard way in order for it to make sense to some people.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Top 5 Sopranos Episode
With the passing of James Gandolfini, and the iconic character he portrayed for 8 years, Tony Soprano, I felt it was only right to pay homage to the greatest character ever displayed on TV by making a list of the top 5 episodes of the greatest TV drama of all-time. I literally re-watch any episode that comes on TV which includes those awful versions of cut up junk that A&E aired. Truth is, I probably care a little more than a self-respecting 33 year old should, but... like they say "Whaddyaaa gonnaaa doooo". Onto to the list:
#5 "Cold Cuts" (Season 5):
This one brought out the awkward dynamic between Tony, Christopher, and their recently released cousin Tony Blundetto (played by the great Steve Buscemi). I heard that Buscemi wrote/directed some of the older Sopranos episodes which made me immediately intrigued by him since I only really liked him in Reservoir Dogs and his brilliant cameo in Billy Madison. He clearly has talent and I loved when they cast him as Tony's life long friend and cousin, who went away after a hijacking gone wrong, which Tony S felt guilty about all those years. In "Cold Cuts", Tony has Chris and Tony B go north to their retired mobster uncle's farm to move some "cans of peaches", aka some of the old decayed bones from some guys the family whacked over the years. Chris is resentful of Tony B's recent promotion and shows it, but I guess chopping up old bones brings out the nostalgic side of Chris, as he shares some laughs with his cousin, some at the expense of their boss. All is well until Tony S shows up to join them and the jokes turn towards Chris as they often did when the two Tony's were kids. It shows how young kids tease eachother and it continues to adulthood, but also paves the way for Chris' eventual hatred for Tony. High comedic value includes a ton of good nose jokes!
#4 "Whitecaps" (Season 4):
The performance JG and Edie Falco put on here was top notch. After years of goomars and other women, Tony was finally caught red-handed being unfaithful. As his former girlfriend Irina called the Soprano house to out Tony's cheating, Carmela was home after AJ passed the phone to her only to hear the drunken Russian hoe-bag on the other end of the phone. After Tony beat Irina's new boyfriend, Assembleyman Ron Zellman, with his belt in front of her, "he could no longer function as a man". Irina decided on a Stoli rocks bender to call the Soprano residence to fill Carmela in on Tony's latest sex-capade with her one-legged (no joke) cousin who was the home nurse to Uncle Junior. An epic verbabl battle ensued and two great scenes were on display as Tony and Carm aired their grievances only to end in their separation. The name of the episode was devoted to the Jersey Shore home that Tony paid a cash down payment to the owner, a seedy NY lawyer who turned down another offer with the promise of cash. After the drama at home, Tony tries to withdraw his offer like a gentlemen, only to have Allen Sappensly (said lawyer) try and strongarm him. Apparently he didn't read the local papers, or just thought that Tony was your run-of-the-mill Environmental Clean-upper, and found out the hard way you don't cross Tony Soprano. High comedy value here was when Tony was harrassing the lawyer in a non-violent manner, and decided he's bring his boat (the mighty Stugots) to Allen's backyard water and BLAST music the entire day and night. The best was when they are sitting down to dinner with friends and all of a sudden Dean Martin is blaring at stadium-level volume, Mr. Hotshot Lawyer dropped a funny ginzo joke "F'ing goomba trash, this whole coast is turning into the Gulf of Sorrento."
#3 "To Save Us All From Satan's Power" (Season 3):
Ahhh I nice Christmas episode to put everyone in the holiday spirit! This episode is centered around Tony's late long time friend and associate, Big Pussy Bonpensiero. After Big Puss was put to bed with the fishes at the end of Season 2, it often haunted Tony with thoughts of his old friend, and the sight of a raw flounder. The whacking of Big Puss was not one of Tony's favorites, he made sure every precaution was taken and even went as far as checking Pussy's bedroom for the wire the FED's gave him before making the final call on his fate. This was, after all, his best friend and he was a rat. As the guys were going through the Christmas decorations at Satriale's, they came across the old Santa suit that Puss used to wear at the pork store's annual Christmas party where they gave toys to the kids and envelopes to the adults (the least they could do after taken juice from the neighborhood for years). A great sequence came in a flashback to 1995 when Big Puss showed up in his Santa suit in an irritated mood that the boys couldn't understand, only Big Puss knew it was due to the wire underneath his "ho ho ho" suit, and the fact that he was betraying his friends while handing out Tonka trucks. High comdy value comes courtesy of Tony's sister Janice's then boyfriend Aaron, the dude with narcolepsy who passes out after a hot jam session on the keyboard with Janice trying to perfect their Christian Rock album (LOL).
#2 "I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano" (Season 1):
One of my favorites mainly because this was the episode that you realized this series was here to stay, and you don't fuck with the Boss. Tony finally breaks out of his funk, and realizes his black hole of a Mother and Uncle Junior tried to have him whacked, courtesy of the Federal Government. Tony was a big "family" guy, and he did the most he could to come to terms with Uncle June. Tony's enemies were vanquished one by one. Some got theirs in the back of the head, and the rest of them were arrested during the major indictments the FED's laid down on the Mob in North Jersey. Finally, Tony was the main street boss and used Uncle Junior as a pawn as "acting boss" so the heat was taken off him. High comedy value came from the scene where Christopher and Paulie Walnuts chase Mikey P through the woods and Paulie runs right through a poison ivy plant. When he snaps after realizing this, I laugh so hard. The episode and season close out with the Soprano family having dinner together in a major storm at his friend Artie Bucco's restaurant when Tony raises a glass to remind his family that "the good times" are all that matters in life, with the ones you love. This quote comes back in the series a few times, most notably in the last scene of the series.
#1 "Made in America" (Season 6B):
I realize this will annoy the real fans out there since this episode was the "fade to black", the one that pissed everyone off because it didn't end with either Tony dead or in prison or whatever. I get that, when my TV went black and a minute passed I felt a little cheated. But as the years went by, and the more I watched this episode, I accepted it for what it was: a brilliant ending to a brilliant series. David Chase didn't care what people thought, and even though it was arrogant in a lot of ways it still showed that he was committed to his craft and writing. Just because Tony wasn't whacked by the creep in the Members Only jacket or the dude in the hunting gear, it doesn't mean his life was unchanged after the fam shared some onion rings. I think the point of the ending was that life goes on, and that Tony was headed for an indictment by the FED's after a rat (Carlo) turned state's evidence against the family. As mentioned in #2, Tony is reminded by AJ (his ONLY positive thing added to the entire series... no seriously) that you should only "remember the good times", and that normally comes through family and friends. High comedy value comes when Phil Leotardo is located at that gas station and shot in the head, but his wife gets out of the truck and leaves it in park only to find the vehicle rolling towards Philly's shot up head! The sound effects used when the truck runs over Phil's head, and the reaction of the people at the gas station always cracked me up, one little kid vomits at the sight.
The last episode had its flaws, and the ending left people with a "WTF" reaction. You devote hours and hours (in my case days, its pathetic) watching the show only to have it end in a way that was unfullfilling. But in my eyes, it was perfect. Again, I'm probably a little too sad at the news we all got on Wednesday night, but it was mostly because of the perfect job JG did representing a character that we eventually all related to on some level. With that, I'd love to end this with a philosophical Tony quote, but... I couldn't find any I thought did him justice, so I guess I'll go with a common one: "FUUUUUUCKKKKKK!". RIP James Gandolfini.
#5 "Cold Cuts" (Season 5):
This one brought out the awkward dynamic between Tony, Christopher, and their recently released cousin Tony Blundetto (played by the great Steve Buscemi). I heard that Buscemi wrote/directed some of the older Sopranos episodes which made me immediately intrigued by him since I only really liked him in Reservoir Dogs and his brilliant cameo in Billy Madison. He clearly has talent and I loved when they cast him as Tony's life long friend and cousin, who went away after a hijacking gone wrong, which Tony S felt guilty about all those years. In "Cold Cuts", Tony has Chris and Tony B go north to their retired mobster uncle's farm to move some "cans of peaches", aka some of the old decayed bones from some guys the family whacked over the years. Chris is resentful of Tony B's recent promotion and shows it, but I guess chopping up old bones brings out the nostalgic side of Chris, as he shares some laughs with his cousin, some at the expense of their boss. All is well until Tony S shows up to join them and the jokes turn towards Chris as they often did when the two Tony's were kids. It shows how young kids tease eachother and it continues to adulthood, but also paves the way for Chris' eventual hatred for Tony. High comedic value includes a ton of good nose jokes!
#4 "Whitecaps" (Season 4):
The performance JG and Edie Falco put on here was top notch. After years of goomars and other women, Tony was finally caught red-handed being unfaithful. As his former girlfriend Irina called the Soprano house to out Tony's cheating, Carmela was home after AJ passed the phone to her only to hear the drunken Russian hoe-bag on the other end of the phone. After Tony beat Irina's new boyfriend, Assembleyman Ron Zellman, with his belt in front of her, "he could no longer function as a man". Irina decided on a Stoli rocks bender to call the Soprano residence to fill Carmela in on Tony's latest sex-capade with her one-legged (no joke) cousin who was the home nurse to Uncle Junior. An epic verbabl battle ensued and two great scenes were on display as Tony and Carm aired their grievances only to end in their separation. The name of the episode was devoted to the Jersey Shore home that Tony paid a cash down payment to the owner, a seedy NY lawyer who turned down another offer with the promise of cash. After the drama at home, Tony tries to withdraw his offer like a gentlemen, only to have Allen Sappensly (said lawyer) try and strongarm him. Apparently he didn't read the local papers, or just thought that Tony was your run-of-the-mill Environmental Clean-upper, and found out the hard way you don't cross Tony Soprano. High comedy value here was when Tony was harrassing the lawyer in a non-violent manner, and decided he's bring his boat (the mighty Stugots) to Allen's backyard water and BLAST music the entire day and night. The best was when they are sitting down to dinner with friends and all of a sudden Dean Martin is blaring at stadium-level volume, Mr. Hotshot Lawyer dropped a funny ginzo joke "F'ing goomba trash, this whole coast is turning into the Gulf of Sorrento."
#3 "To Save Us All From Satan's Power" (Season 3):
Ahhh I nice Christmas episode to put everyone in the holiday spirit! This episode is centered around Tony's late long time friend and associate, Big Pussy Bonpensiero. After Big Puss was put to bed with the fishes at the end of Season 2, it often haunted Tony with thoughts of his old friend, and the sight of a raw flounder. The whacking of Big Puss was not one of Tony's favorites, he made sure every precaution was taken and even went as far as checking Pussy's bedroom for the wire the FED's gave him before making the final call on his fate. This was, after all, his best friend and he was a rat. As the guys were going through the Christmas decorations at Satriale's, they came across the old Santa suit that Puss used to wear at the pork store's annual Christmas party where they gave toys to the kids and envelopes to the adults (the least they could do after taken juice from the neighborhood for years). A great sequence came in a flashback to 1995 when Big Puss showed up in his Santa suit in an irritated mood that the boys couldn't understand, only Big Puss knew it was due to the wire underneath his "ho ho ho" suit, and the fact that he was betraying his friends while handing out Tonka trucks. High comdy value comes courtesy of Tony's sister Janice's then boyfriend Aaron, the dude with narcolepsy who passes out after a hot jam session on the keyboard with Janice trying to perfect their Christian Rock album (LOL).
#2 "I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano" (Season 1):
One of my favorites mainly because this was the episode that you realized this series was here to stay, and you don't fuck with the Boss. Tony finally breaks out of his funk, and realizes his black hole of a Mother and Uncle Junior tried to have him whacked, courtesy of the Federal Government. Tony was a big "family" guy, and he did the most he could to come to terms with Uncle June. Tony's enemies were vanquished one by one. Some got theirs in the back of the head, and the rest of them were arrested during the major indictments the FED's laid down on the Mob in North Jersey. Finally, Tony was the main street boss and used Uncle Junior as a pawn as "acting boss" so the heat was taken off him. High comedy value came from the scene where Christopher and Paulie Walnuts chase Mikey P through the woods and Paulie runs right through a poison ivy plant. When he snaps after realizing this, I laugh so hard. The episode and season close out with the Soprano family having dinner together in a major storm at his friend Artie Bucco's restaurant when Tony raises a glass to remind his family that "the good times" are all that matters in life, with the ones you love. This quote comes back in the series a few times, most notably in the last scene of the series.
#1 "Made in America" (Season 6B):
I realize this will annoy the real fans out there since this episode was the "fade to black", the one that pissed everyone off because it didn't end with either Tony dead or in prison or whatever. I get that, when my TV went black and a minute passed I felt a little cheated. But as the years went by, and the more I watched this episode, I accepted it for what it was: a brilliant ending to a brilliant series. David Chase didn't care what people thought, and even though it was arrogant in a lot of ways it still showed that he was committed to his craft and writing. Just because Tony wasn't whacked by the creep in the Members Only jacket or the dude in the hunting gear, it doesn't mean his life was unchanged after the fam shared some onion rings. I think the point of the ending was that life goes on, and that Tony was headed for an indictment by the FED's after a rat (Carlo) turned state's evidence against the family. As mentioned in #2, Tony is reminded by AJ (his ONLY positive thing added to the entire series... no seriously) that you should only "remember the good times", and that normally comes through family and friends. High comedy value comes when Phil Leotardo is located at that gas station and shot in the head, but his wife gets out of the truck and leaves it in park only to find the vehicle rolling towards Philly's shot up head! The sound effects used when the truck runs over Phil's head, and the reaction of the people at the gas station always cracked me up, one little kid vomits at the sight.
The last episode had its flaws, and the ending left people with a "WTF" reaction. You devote hours and hours (in my case days, its pathetic) watching the show only to have it end in a way that was unfullfilling. But in my eyes, it was perfect. Again, I'm probably a little too sad at the news we all got on Wednesday night, but it was mostly because of the perfect job JG did representing a character that we eventually all related to on some level. With that, I'd love to end this with a philosophical Tony quote, but... I couldn't find any I thought did him justice, so I guess I'll go with a common one: "FUUUUUUCKKKKKK!". RIP James Gandolfini.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Full Circle Series: Day 4- "Same Ol' Shit"
There was a shame and guilt class today that I identified
with. All this time over the last few
months I thought I was feeling guilty, when in fact, I was actually feeling
shame for what I did. I liked this class
because it spoke to me. It made me aware
of certain things that I can work on to improve. I’m not going to reveal those certain things
because I’m embarrassed (that is supposed to be funny). In all seriousness I’m
not going to reveal them because I want to work on them myself and fix them
myself. Most of you probably already
know what those weaknesses are anyway.
I’m hopeful with proper steps I’ll be able to instill a greater confidence
in myself.
Just a note to family and friends, do not take Tylenol before drinking or when you are hung-over. I’m sure some of you already know this, but one of the ingredients in Tylenol is supposed to be broken down by the backup system of the liver, but since that backup system is still helping break down the alcohol it can’t get to the Tylenol so, in turn, it just does more damage than it does to help. I forget the name of the ingredient…something like Aphetementocephalyde or something like that; I probably should have taken better notes or listened more closely. Come to think of it, I don’t even think that I heard that tidbit in class. I’m pretty sure it was one of the crack head junkies sitting near me, and I thought it was the class because I was sleeping. File this last paragraph under “Disregard" (2013 Note: Wow was I dumb. Acetaminophen you dolt!)
2013 Note:
I sound brainwashed there. Reading that, I have to call BS on myself. I still feel extremely guilty for getting into that car. Guilt is what drives me not to make the same mistake again. Sure, I was largely ashamed for the DUI, but that has faded over the years. I can't speak for how other people view me, or judge my past transgressions with alcohol, but I don't view that phase of my life with such a negative stigma on my character anymore. I now see the experience as something useful that can be bestowed on to other people before they get into a car after a few too many, or even if they've also gone through the process and are viewing the DUI program as an annoyance....Tony Robbins Out!
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Full Circle Series-Day 3: "Groups N' Stuff"
I can’t
really divulge much from group sessions due to privacy agreements. However, nothing is ever said so I’m not
really withholding anything. I must
comment on the fact that I am entirely uncomfortable talking in front of
people. I always think people are
looking at me with a perception that I am lying.
However, how would I know if they are looking at me or judging me? I always have my eyes down or up at the ceiling, you know, anything to avoid eye contact while I’m talking.
Goodie 2 Shoes asks entirely too many questions. “Why hasn’t theU.S.
At this point I am flabbergasted because I was always told that there is no such thing as a stupid question, but this lady has managed to completely disprove that theory in a matter of 30 seconds with 2 ugly questions in a row. Bravo…clap…clap…clap.
However, how would I know if they are looking at me or judging me? I always have my eyes down or up at the ceiling, you know, anything to avoid eye contact while I’m talking.
People Observations:
- Senor Poopy Pants has established himself as the guy who asks the same question over and over and still can’t understand the answer given to him.
- John Goodman’s laid back attitude and dead pan delivery are quite amusing.
- Mr. Pigeon, my roommate, is a conspiracy theorist all of a sudden. He thinks everybody is out to get him and everything about the institution we are staying at is a scam. He gets quite heated about everything, but what makes it funny is that even when he raises his voice he still talks with the
- For example:
Me: “Gee Mr. Pigeon what did you think of that class?”
Mr. Pigeon: “BLAAARGH BEAAARGLE LAAAA!!!!”
Me: “Golly Mr. Pigeon I just asked how the class was, you
have to calm down.”
Mr. Pigeon: “I know there. I just get angry there, and I just
found out one of my pigeons died there and I don’t know what to do there, I
guess that class just touched a nerve there you know?”
Me (Slowly exiting the room): “Huh what? Uhhhh yeah pigeons
that sucks…See you at the next class” (Running full speed to a safe haven)
"Optional
Recreation"
Lent itself to some amusing moments.
Spaz, Alex Trebek, The Curmudgeon, and I all played Pitch. Spaz was all over the place and couldn’t stop
eating sugar. Senor Poopy Pants laid one
and then left mysteriously before we could properly pin the blame on him.
Group Projects
We all go
down to the basement to participate in a group project. This is already getting pretty annoying
because I feel like I’m at Camp
Bournedale
We had to make up an endangered species and
come up with a reason for saving it.
Ours was a bird that saved sick children by spraying its venom through
its ass on people. We put rocket
boosters, tattoos, and goggles on it to make it look cool. I thought for sure we were going to be the
worst presentation, but come to find out I was sorely mistaken.
The girl group came up with a turtle with a
tree growing out of its shell. When
asked what purpose this animal could possibly serve to humanity they came up
with some cockamamie explanation, “When it rains the tree cleanses the water
and it goes into the river and cleanses that water so all the world has
pollution free water.” I wanted to ask
why the hell they needed the turtle if the tree does all the work, but I
thought better of it because I realized we had rocket boosters on our bird for
no reason.
Goodie 2 Shoes asks entirely too many questions. “Why hasn’t the
At this point I am flabbergasted because I was always told that there is no such thing as a stupid question, but this lady has managed to completely disprove that theory in a matter of 30 seconds with 2 ugly questions in a row. Bravo…clap…clap…clap.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Full Circle Series- Day 2 "Orientation"
I rise at 5:00 AM
even though I didn’t have to be up until 6:30
AM . I have to say I am really
looking forward to my 2 week stay with no sleep (again insert sarcasm here). After breakfast we get the detailed version
of the rules from African Uncle Buzz (see character list). He states that he will be the guy that you
will hate by the time you leave here. I
agree, I already hate him and I’ve only heard him talk for 10 minutes.
Ohhhh, watch out! It
looks like we have some kidsters in the crowd already. John Goodman has established himself as the
outgoing personality that is there for comedy relief. It is a good thing because I could see a few
people were sweating that they might have to step into this role, and I don’t
think they were entirely ready to take on that responsibility. Mr. Goodman is a seasoned veteran, I can
tell. When asked if he exercised he
wittily responded with, “Yes, I do 12 ounce curls, and inhalation
calisthenics”.
Rip Taylor
Me: “This is my 2nd offense, and I consider
myself to be a moderate drinker.”
Rip: “Hmmm and what do you consider ‘moderate’ as you put
it?”
Me: “Well, I very rarely drink during the week, and when I
drink on certain weekends it is only 6 or 7 beers.”
Rip: “Ohhh and that is every weekend, 52 weekends of the
year?”
Me: “Yeah pretty much.”
Rip: “Ooookay I guuuuesss that’s ‘moderate’”
Well, Rip is now officially an asshole in my book. Nice pants by the way. I especially like the way how you made them a
1 piece suit so you don’t have to wear a shirt, very efficient. Last time I saw pants hiked that high was in
the 5th grade when Danny Dougherty gave Dave Bump (Bumpahhhhh) a
super atomic wedgie.
Later on
that night I attend my first AA meeting ever.
Everything up until this point was a vacation, and now things just got
real. Usually I’d blow these off as cliché sob stories, but I promised myself I'd take as much out of this experience as possible.
This girl got up and talked about her history with alcohol, and actually did come off as "Well, I've heard this one before. However, what struck me was her deep sincerity as evidenced by her obvious nervousness in just trying to spit out what she had been through (although the visible shaking I saw could have been withdrawals, I’m
officially going to hell).
In all
seriousness, it was a little scary because I can tell she is going to relapse
again, and it actually spurred…what are those things called? Oh yeah, feelings
and empathy. I hope my observations of 10-15 minute of her life are wrong.
I found out
an interesting tidbit about my roommate today, he raises and races
pigeons. Let's pause to soak that one in. I can accept raising pigeons, albeit a little out of the ordinary, but racing them is an entirely different animal.
Now, I deserve a medal of honor for
several reasons. One, I did not bust out
laughing in his face, and two I did not feign interest. Apparently this is a popular hobby according
to him. Well, any hobby that interests
the likes of Mike Tyson must be one for normal people so now I can sleep even
easier at night (cough…cough…ehem).
Full Circle Series-Day 1 "The Arrival"
Ma and Pa drop me off in their dapper outfits. They get the strangest stares out of everyone
because they are dressed so nice. Inquiring
eyes immediately fall on me and I can’t shake the feeling that I have been designated
the preppy bitch. I have to concoct a
plan to beat the shit out of someone so I won’t be labeled as a fish the entire
time I’m here. As I scan the crowd for a
person that is vulnerable (i.e. someone with needles sticking out of their arm
and drugged up so I can easily mop the floor with them) I don’t see anyone that
fits this description so I figure I’m basically screwed.
Check in goes well with Carl Winslow from “Family Matters”. We have healthy banter, and I realize that I could have snuck in whatever contraband I wanted because they weren’t really checking bags with as much gusto as I thought they would. Mom and Dad check their watches and shift uncomfortably in their seats while I’m going through this process. I actually forgot they were even there, whoops. I tell them to leave which they more than gladly do. In fact, I have never seen my father out a door so quickly in my life. What ever happened to the traditional Irish good byes?
After I get my blood pressure taken I make a note to myself to stop eating cheeseburgers before physicals. The next step is to wait for the nurse interview. Everybody ahead of me is taking 20 minutes so I’m starting to get nervous about rubber gloves and odd body searches because people are coming out of there grimacing. Not to mention I saw the nurse and she reminded me of Mrs. Babcock, my nurse from elementary school, so I couldn’t even derive the faintest bit of excitement about going into that “office” (I put it in quotes because it was actually the recreation room with a ping pong and air hockey table. Something just isn’t right when you have a physical examination in a room with air hockey in it).
I get in and out of there in 2 minutes. She just asked me a few questions about my medical history and that’s it. The whole ordeal left me thinking, “What, I’m not good enough for a 20 minute full body cavity search now?” I feel a little cheated now, but life goes on. Note for the future of this journal: I wish I hadn’t turned down the red dot that lets you ride the elevator. That would turn out to be an enormous error on my part.
I travel up the 5 flights of stairs, get settled in my room, pay my bill, meet my cuckoo roommate, and go to the common room to await further instructions. After everybody has checked in we all go down to dinner for a very appetizing meal of American Chop Suey (insert sarcasm here). Shortly after dinner we congregate back in the common room for basic orientation and an overview of what to expect in the next couple of weeks. Not so surprisingly, I fall asleep during this schpiel.
After all of this is over it is time for bed. I am relegated to listening to my roommate snore like a banshee. I swear he sounds like he is swallowing his mouth and now I can’t sleep.
(2013 Note: I think this is where I caught my snore and why I am relegated to wearing a sleep mask now. Snoring is contagious, look it up)
Check in goes well with Carl Winslow from “Family Matters”. We have healthy banter, and I realize that I could have snuck in whatever contraband I wanted because they weren’t really checking bags with as much gusto as I thought they would. Mom and Dad check their watches and shift uncomfortably in their seats while I’m going through this process. I actually forgot they were even there, whoops. I tell them to leave which they more than gladly do. In fact, I have never seen my father out a door so quickly in my life. What ever happened to the traditional Irish good byes?
After I get my blood pressure taken I make a note to myself to stop eating cheeseburgers before physicals. The next step is to wait for the nurse interview. Everybody ahead of me is taking 20 minutes so I’m starting to get nervous about rubber gloves and odd body searches because people are coming out of there grimacing. Not to mention I saw the nurse and she reminded me of Mrs. Babcock, my nurse from elementary school, so I couldn’t even derive the faintest bit of excitement about going into that “office” (I put it in quotes because it was actually the recreation room with a ping pong and air hockey table. Something just isn’t right when you have a physical examination in a room with air hockey in it).
I get in and out of there in 2 minutes. She just asked me a few questions about my medical history and that’s it. The whole ordeal left me thinking, “What, I’m not good enough for a 20 minute full body cavity search now?” I feel a little cheated now, but life goes on. Note for the future of this journal: I wish I hadn’t turned down the red dot that lets you ride the elevator. That would turn out to be an enormous error on my part.
I travel up the 5 flights of stairs, get settled in my room, pay my bill, meet my cuckoo roommate, and go to the common room to await further instructions. After everybody has checked in we all go down to dinner for a very appetizing meal of American Chop Suey (insert sarcasm here). Shortly after dinner we congregate back in the common room for basic orientation and an overview of what to expect in the next couple of weeks. Not so surprisingly, I fall asleep during this schpiel.
After all of this is over it is time for bed. I am relegated to listening to my roommate snore like a banshee. I swear he sounds like he is swallowing his mouth and now I can’t sleep.
(2013 Note: I think this is where I caught my snore and why I am relegated to wearing a sleep mask now. Snoring is contagious, look it up)
Full Circle Series-Preface & Cast of Characters
As my son nears his 2nd birthday I found myself reflecting on how much I've grown, and how much time had its brake lines cut shortly after college.
I wrote my "Full Circle" journal nearly 10 years ago after I made my last bad decision...well 2nd to last as I bought a stupid house in Lowell that sank me into the neverending pool of debt that I am currently drowning in, but that is a story for another day.
I thought it would be a good idea to go back and read the journal and see if I can add any more insight/improvements to what I wrote. I know there is one section in particular about a woman who came to tell her story that still sticks in my head to this day that I'd like to revisit.
These are my thoughts of the fourteen days spent in what I have deemed the “
I compiled
a list of characters that have code names that emulate their personalities or
looks. Short descriptions will follow
each person. You can use this list as a
reference point while you are reading because I write about some of them in the
journal.
One final note, I also kept this journal to
answer the plethora of questions I am sure to be barraged with by you, my
harshest critics. For the most part, all
that is scribed is exactly what happened so if it doesn’t seem glamorous or
comes off as boring it probably was.
I again
thank you all for your support and condolences.
I truly hope you all will learn something from my short odyssey.
ENJOY!
Senor Poopy Pants AKA Stephen King- My parents know
who this guy is because they are the ones who dropped me off at the
hospital. When we first arrived this guy
looked like he had a shit stain on his ass, and I thought I was in for a real
treat the next 2 weeks. I swear Senor
Poopy Pants is the poster boy for the Sociopath Society. Anyone who lives with their mom into their
middle ages has got to be normal right? I also figured with my luck that he would end
up being my roommate. However, in
another cliché lesson in life, you can’t judge a book by its cover. This guy, despite his scattered past, was
actually quite intelligent and witty.
Mr. Whittaker- No one except my siblings and old high school friends
will understand this description, but Mr. Whittaker was a science teacher from
my high school. Every person can relate
to the quirky looking and acting science teacher. He looked, smelled, talked, and acted exactly
like Mr. Whittaker so obviously I kept my distance from this jackass. Come to find out he even lives with his
mother like the real Mr. Whittaker and Senor Poopy Pants. He kind of reminds me of the Comic Book Guy
from the Simpsons too. I think he told
on a few people, but I can’t prove it.
If I could I would have told on him for all of the food he kept hoarding
in his room. A truly disgusting human
being who I hope rots in hell. I
apologize that, it was entirely uncalled for.
He was good at crossword puzzles though.
Tim Curry – This man shared an uncanny resemblance
right down to the big teeth and scary grin.
Nice enough guy, and had his own band.
Mr. Pigeon- OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! This was my roommate. The only person I would classify as cuckoo
among the 32 that reside there. He’s
from MA, but sounds like he is from Wisconsin Minnesota
Louis Gosset Jr.- Not the Louis Gosset Jr. from
Officer and a Gentleman, not the one from Diggstown, not even the same one as the
guy from Iron Eagle, but the Lou Gosset Jr. from Iron Eagle IV.
John Goodman- Self
explanatory. Big, gruffy voice, and
obnoxious at times. Everybody liked him
though. He was quite amusing. One incident involved a prank with Cheez Wiz
administered by Guy. Guy put Cheez Wiz
on Goodman’s hand and tickled his nose so the Cheez Wiz went all over his
face. The ensuing reaction was
priceless, and I could have sworn I heard him yelling, “Roseanne!” loudly in
the bathroom cleaning off the gunk.
Toadie- Goodman’s sidekick. Wherever Goodman was this kid was trotting
right along behind him. They were
roommates. He had bad gas the whole
week. I blame it on the beans.
Guy- Stereotypical Boston person.
Bob from That 70’s Show- This kid was in bad need of a haircut. Instead of growing down it grew out. Quiet person though so I can’t say much.
African Uncle Buzz- Exactly like my Uncle Buzz except
he was black. He was one of the
counselors. He was on a power trip and
decided he was going to be the enforcer of the stupid rules they had in
place. There were quite a few verbal
scuffles with this wily character, not by me of course, because I’m a coward.
(I don't have a good picture for this, too unique)
Rip Torn- Or
whatever that gay comedian’s name is. (Updated: Name Rip Taylor
Webster- Ahhh
my arch nemesis during my stay. I hated
this kid.
(2013 NOTE: I'm really looking forward to why this person pissed me off so much because I for the life of me can't remember why)
Goodie 2 Shoes-
She was the annoying person who asked the worst questions at the most
inopportune times, and she was a crappy artist who thought she was the cat’s
pajamas. In fact, she also thought she
was a poet. Lordy how I wish I brought
some of her crap, also known as kindling, home to show. She showed me one of her drawings and I
laughed at it in her face because I thought she got it from the other end of
the hall from the cuckoo people, but come to find out it was her
“masterpiece”. Whoooops
Osama- Looked
just like a terrorist. Couldn’t speak a
lick of English so it was funny when someone would ask him a question and he
would answer the same way every time, but even funnier is that the answer
always made sense to every question.
There were more characters such as Baby Face and Hag, but
you get an idea of the people I’m dealing with here.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Wes Welker: Hate to See You Go But....
So another successful, well-respected and beloved New England Patriot has moved on from the organization this week. Wesley Welker, slot receiver and franchise leader in receptions, and other records such as receptions and yardage in a single game, and longest reception as a Patriot. This was yet another situation where the Patriots organization evaluated a beloved player in the way they've grown accustomed to: what is this player's market value, and where does he fit in our organization? Based on Welker's age and past injury history, the Patriots decided to not offer him a new contract after previously placing the franchise tag on him which netted him somewhere near $9.5M last season (too lazy to get exact figure).
Not that there aren't more factors that come into play, I've sort of dumbed it down to people of my intelligence level and ahemm, ahemm, Steve's... He is after all, a hockey guy. The Welker situation has brought on all sorts of morons and irrational fans to call into sports radio in Boston and to give their initial feelings on the subject which basically was based upon pure emotions. These emotions were justified as Welker was an excellent slot receiver who led the league in catches for many years, was very durable with his limited injuries (aside from blowing out his knee in 2010), and the trust that the Pats' franchise QB Tom Brady had in him. I could spew out fact after fact, and all kinds of statistics that breakdown such a player and all-around good guy (plus that hot wife!). Pretty much of these accomplishments that Wes had in his time in New England that would really not explain how much of an impact he had on his time with the Patriots. We are talking about a 5 ft 9 in WR in a league that is dominated by HUGE and FAST players. I mean shit, Big Vince Wilfork can outrun Quin and me in the 40 and then probably out-drive us on the tee (ehhhh lets not go that far). The point is, the largest men in the NFL are fast and tough as fuck, and Welker had some of the biggest cojones in the league going over the middle and hanging in the slot catching bullets from TB12.
But it all comes down to the NFL being a business, and this team's best interest lie in Bill Belichick, and the Kraft family. We've seen this tactic in the past with many good-to-great Patriots: Lawyer Milloy, Ty Law, Richard Seymour, and Deion Branch to name a few. Many of these players were thought to be evaluated at a certain value that the Patriots set, and were not paid the max contracts. I won't try and explain this way of doing business as the Patriots have been contenders every year since their Superbowl runs, and it's hard to argue with greatness. It doesn't take away that sometimes, certain players leaving does hurt.
Oh, so not to get all mushy, I'll miss her more:
The former #83's now-wife. Shit, I'll miss her. We'll miss you too Wes, you tough sonofabitch... Probably a little more had you caught that pass in SB XLII... ohhhhh, too soon??
Not that there aren't more factors that come into play, I've sort of dumbed it down to people of my intelligence level and ahemm, ahemm, Steve's... He is after all, a hockey guy. The Welker situation has brought on all sorts of morons and irrational fans to call into sports radio in Boston and to give their initial feelings on the subject which basically was based upon pure emotions. These emotions were justified as Welker was an excellent slot receiver who led the league in catches for many years, was very durable with his limited injuries (aside from blowing out his knee in 2010), and the trust that the Pats' franchise QB Tom Brady had in him. I could spew out fact after fact, and all kinds of statistics that breakdown such a player and all-around good guy (plus that hot wife!). Pretty much of these accomplishments that Wes had in his time in New England that would really not explain how much of an impact he had on his time with the Patriots. We are talking about a 5 ft 9 in WR in a league that is dominated by HUGE and FAST players. I mean shit, Big Vince Wilfork can outrun Quin and me in the 40 and then probably out-drive us on the tee (ehhhh lets not go that far). The point is, the largest men in the NFL are fast and tough as fuck, and Welker had some of the biggest cojones in the league going over the middle and hanging in the slot catching bullets from TB12.
But it all comes down to the NFL being a business, and this team's best interest lie in Bill Belichick, and the Kraft family. We've seen this tactic in the past with many good-to-great Patriots: Lawyer Milloy, Ty Law, Richard Seymour, and Deion Branch to name a few. Many of these players were thought to be evaluated at a certain value that the Patriots set, and were not paid the max contracts. I won't try and explain this way of doing business as the Patriots have been contenders every year since their Superbowl runs, and it's hard to argue with greatness. It doesn't take away that sometimes, certain players leaving does hurt.
Oh, so not to get all mushy, I'll miss her more:
The former #83's now-wife. Shit, I'll miss her. We'll miss you too Wes, you tough sonofabitch... Probably a little more had you caught that pass in SB XLII... ohhhhh, too soon??
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Hockey's Back-I'm back
First of all, welcome to my co-collaborator who posted once about his food being stolen and has now disappeared himself. I'm so glad I made that invite.
Vow of silence broken in a run on rambling paragraph: Hockey's back and all of my animosity towards the owners and players alike instantly melted away and I have you basketball nuts to thank for that. I have developed carpal tunnel syndrome from deleting all of those aggravating emails. I tried to like basketball this year...I really did. I liken it to trying to see what the fuss is about with "The Big Bang Theory" TV show, not the actual theory. Why is it that everybody likes that show? I've tried to watch the show on numerous occasions and only make it 5 minutes in...I guess I've watched one episode cumulatively. Then when you ask why they like the show the say "I don't know, I just do, you don't?" (said in a sheepish school girl voice which only enrages me further). I'll be sitting there trying to ascertain the comedic value of the show and my hand inexplicably always reaches for the nearest sharpest object while the other hand seems to always magically find a lighter, 3 minutes later and I can feel this searing heat getting closer to my eye and my brain is just like "I'm not going to do anything to stop this from happening" and I'm personally like "Me either, actually can we speed this up?" Anyway, that's what basketball is like to me: wanting to stab myself in the eye with an excruciatingly hot sharp object a la Hostel:
1st game at Montreal? yes please.
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