Full Circle Series- Day 2 "Orientation"

I rise at 5:00 AM even though I didn’t have to be up until 6:30 AM.  I have to say I am really looking forward to my 2 week stay with no sleep (again insert sarcasm here).  After breakfast we get the detailed version of the rules from African Uncle Buzz (see character list).  He states that he will be the guy that you will hate by the time you leave here.  I agree, I already hate him and I’ve only heard him talk for 10 minutes.

Ohhhh, watch out! It looks like we have some kidsters in the crowd already.  John Goodman has established himself as the outgoing personality that is there for comedy relief.  It is a good thing because I could see a few people were sweating that they might have to step into this role, and I don’t think they were entirely ready to take on that responsibility.  Mr. Goodman is a seasoned veteran, I can tell.  When asked if he exercised he wittily responded with, “Yes, I do 12 ounce curls, and inhalation calisthenics”. 

Rip Taylor says he isn’t there to judge us or deem us alcoholics, but he could have fooled me with his ever growing condescending remarks to the group.  He made you feel like a 3 yr. old caught in a lie.  For instance,

Me: “This is my 2^nd offense, and I consider myself to be a moderate drinker.”

Rip: “Hmmm and what do you consider ‘moderate’ as you put it?”

Me: “Well, I very rarely drink during the week, and when I drink on certain weekends it is only 6 or 7 beers.”

Rip: “Ohhh and that is every weekend, 52 weekends of the year?”

Me: “Yeah pretty much.”

Rip: “Ooookay I guuuuesss that’s ‘moderate’”

Well, Rip is now officially an asshole in my book.  Nice pants by the way.  I especially like the way how you made them a 1 piece suit so you don’t have to wear a shirt, very efficient.  Last time I saw pants hiked that high was in the 5^th grade when Danny Dougherty gave Dave Bump (Bumpahhhhh) a super atomic wedgie. 

Later on that night I attend my first AA meeting ever.  Everything up until this point was a vacation, and now things just got real.  Usually I’d blow these off as cliché sob stories, but I promised myself I'd take as much out of this experience as possible.

 

This girl got up and talked about her history with alcohol, and actually did come off as "Well, I've heard this one before. However, what struck me was her deep sincerity as evidenced by her obvious nervousness in just trying to spit out what she had been through (although the visible shaking I saw could have been withdrawals, I’m officially going to hell). 

 

In all seriousness, it was a little scary because I can tell she is going to relapse again, and it actually spurred…what are those things called? Oh yeah, feelings and empathy.  I hope my observations of 10-15 minute of her life are wrong. 

 

Shortly after this we are assigned chores.  Mine sucks because I have to vacuum, huge pun intended there (RIMSHOT! thank you, thank you, we have a great show tonight, barf!).  I wonder how long it will take for me to make that joke here, time will only tell.

I found out an interesting tidbit about my roommate today, he raises and races pigeons. Let's pause to soak that one in. I can accept raising pigeons, albeit a little out of the ordinary, but racing them is an entirely different animal.

 

Now,  I deserve a medal of honor for several reasons.  One, I did not bust out laughing in his face, and two I did not feign interest.  Apparently this is a popular hobby according to him.  Well, any hobby that interests the likes of Mike Tyson must be one for normal people so now I can sleep even easier at night (cough…cough…ehem).

Full Circle Series-Day 1 "The Arrival"

Ma and Pa drop me off in their dapper outfits.  They get the strangest stares out of everyone because they are dressed so nice.  Inquiring eyes immediately fall on me and I can’t shake the feeling that I have been designated the preppy bitch.  I have to concoct a plan to beat the shit out of someone so I won’t be labeled as a fish the entire time I’m here.  As I scan the crowd for a person that is vulnerable (i.e. someone with needles sticking out of their arm and drugged up so I can easily mop the floor with them) I don’t see anyone that fits this description so I figure I’m basically screwed. 
 
Check in goes well with Carl Winslow from “Family Matters”.  We have healthy banter, and I realize that I could have snuck in whatever contraband I wanted because they weren’t really checking bags with as much gusto as I thought they would.  Mom and Dad check their watches and shift uncomfortably in their seats while I’m going through this process.  I actually forgot they were even there, whoops.  I tell them to leave which they more than gladly do.  In fact, I have never seen my father out a door so quickly in my life.  What ever happened to the traditional Irish good byes?   

After I get my blood pressure taken I make a note to myself to stop eating cheeseburgers before physicals.  The next step is to wait for the nurse interview.  Everybody ahead of me is taking 20 minutes so I’m starting to get nervous about rubber gloves and odd body searches because people are coming out of there grimacing.  Not to mention I saw the nurse and she reminded me of Mrs. Babcock, my nurse from elementary school, so I couldn’t even derive the faintest bit of excitement about going into that “office” (I put it in quotes because it was actually the recreation room with a ping pong and air hockey table. Something just isn’t right when you have a physical examination in a room with air hockey in it). 

I get in and out of there in 2 minutes.  She just asked me a few questions about my medical history and that’s it.  The whole ordeal left me thinking, “What, I’m not good enough for a 20 minute full body cavity search now?”  I feel a little cheated now, but life goes on.  Note for the future of this journal: I wish I hadn’t turned down the red dot that lets you ride the elevator.  That would turn out to be an enormous error on my part.

I travel up the 5 flights of stairs, get settled in my room, pay my bill, meet my cuckoo roommate, and go to the common room to await further instructions.  After everybody has checked in we all go down to dinner for a very appetizing meal of American Chop Suey (insert sarcasm here).  Shortly after dinner we congregate back in the common room for basic orientation and an overview of what to expect in the next couple of weeks.  Not so surprisingly, I fall asleep during this schpiel. 

After all of this is over it is time for bed.  I am relegated to listening to my roommate snore like a banshee.  I swear he sounds like he is swallowing his mouth and now I can’t sleep.

(2013 Note: I think this is where I caught my snore and why I am relegated to wearing a sleep mask now. Snoring is contagious, look it up)

Full Circle Series-Preface & Cast of Characters

As my son nears his 2nd birthday I found myself reflecting on how much I've grown, and how much time had its brake lines cut shortly after college.

 

I wrote my "Full Circle" journal nearly 10 years ago after I made my last bad decision...well 2nd to last as I bought a stupid house in Lowell that sank me into the neverending pool of debt that I am currently drowning in, but that is a story for another day.

 

I thought it would be a good idea to go back and read the journal and see if I can add any more insight/improvements to what I wrote. I know there is one section in particular about a woman who came to tell her story that still sticks in my head to this day that I'd like to revisit.

 

 PREFACE

These are my thoughts of the fourteen days spent in what I have deemed the “Drunk Hospital”.  I will take you with me on tangents, rants, raves, and ramblings with no regard for grammar or syntax.  These are thoughts that gave me solace during my stay, and will provide guidance for me in the future.  The “memories” are funny for the most part.  Intentionally or unintentionally humorous they are based on my observations and perceptions.  The 14 day chronicle will have some long and short entries depending on how inspired I felt on that particular day.

I compiled a list of characters that have code names that emulate their personalities or looks.  Short descriptions will follow each person.  You can use this list as a reference point while you are reading because I write about some of them in the journal.

One final note, I also kept this journal to answer the plethora of questions I am sure to be barraged with by you, my harshest critics.  For the most part, all that is scribed is exactly what happened so if it doesn’t seem glamorous or comes off as boring it probably was.

I again thank you all for your support and condolences.  I truly hope you all will learn something from my short odyssey. 

ENJOY!

 CAST

Senor Poopy Pants AKA Stephen King- My parents know who this guy is because they are the ones who dropped me off at the hospital.  When we first arrived this guy looked like he had a shit stain on his ass, and I thought I was in for a real treat the next 2 weeks.  I swear Senor Poopy Pants is the poster boy for the Sociopath Society.  Anyone who lives with their mom into their middle ages has got to be normal right?   I also figured with my luck that he would end up being my roommate.  However, in another cliché lesson in life, you can’t judge a book by its cover.  This guy, despite his scattered past, was actually quite intelligent and witty.    

 

Mr. Whittaker- No one except my siblings and old high school friends will understand this description, but Mr. Whittaker was a science teacher from my high school.  Every person can relate to the quirky looking and acting science teacher.  He looked, smelled, talked, and acted exactly like Mr. Whittaker so obviously I kept my distance from this jackass.  Come to find out he even lives with his mother like the real Mr. Whittaker and Senor Poopy Pants.  He kind of reminds me of the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons too.  I think he told on a few people, but I can’t prove it.  If I could I would have told on him for all of the food he kept hoarding in his room.  A truly disgusting human being who I hope rots in hell.  I apologize that, it was entirely uncalled for.  He was good at crossword puzzles though.

Tim Curry – This man shared an uncanny resemblance right down to the big teeth and scary grin.  Nice enough guy, and had his own band.

 

Mr. Pigeon- OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!  This was my roommate.  The only person I would classify as cuckoo among the 32 that reside there.  He’s from MA, but sounds like he is from Wisconsin or Minnesota, thinks everything is a conspiracy, raises and races pigeons, and snores like a banshee.  I am a bad snorer but this guy takes the cake.   He is basically the focal point of this journal and could easily take up an entire book.

 

Louis Gosset Jr.- Not the Louis Gosset Jr. from Officer and a Gentleman, not the one from Diggstown, not even the same one as the guy from Iron Eagle, but the Lou Gosset Jr. from Iron Eagle IV. 

 

John Goodman-  Self explanatory.  Big, gruffy voice, and obnoxious at times.  Everybody liked him though.  He was quite amusing.  One incident involved a prank with Cheez Wiz administered by Guy.  Guy put Cheez Wiz on Goodman’s hand and tickled his nose so the Cheez Wiz went all over his face.  The ensuing reaction was priceless, and I could have sworn I heard him yelling, “Roseanne!” loudly in the bathroom cleaning off the gunk.

Toadie- Goodman’s sidekick.  Wherever Goodman was this kid was trotting right along behind him.  They were roommates.  He had bad gas the whole week.  I blame it on the beans.

Guy- Stereotypical Boston person.

Bob from That 70’s Show-  This kid was in bad need of a haircut.  Instead of growing down it grew out.  Quiet person though so I can’t say much.

African Uncle Buzz- Exactly like my Uncle Buzz except he was black.  He was one of the counselors.  He was on a power trip and decided he was going to be the enforcer of the stupid rules they had in place.  There were quite a few verbal scuffles with this wily character, not by me of course, because I’m a coward.

(I don't have a good picture for this, too unique)

 

Rip Torn-  Or whatever that gay comedian’s name is. (Updated: Name Rip Taylor)  Looked exactly like him.  I was afraid he was going to start throwing confetti at everybody when he first walked in the room.  This was another counselor.  He liked to wear a shirt, then put it inside out and wear it again the next day.  An inspiration to us all, and it made me think, “I wanna be a counselor! I wanna be a counselor!  They must make a lot of money.”

Webster-  Ahhh my arch nemesis during my stay.  I hated this kid. 

(2013 NOTE: I'm really looking forward to why this person pissed me off so much because I for the life of me can't remember why)

Goodie 2 Shoes-  She was the annoying person who asked the worst questions at the most inopportune times, and she was a crappy artist who thought she was the cat’s pajamas.  In fact, she also thought she was a poet.  Lordy how I wish I brought some of her crap, also known as kindling, home to show.  She showed me one of her drawings and I laughed at it in her face because I thought she got it from the other end of the hall from the cuckoo people, but come to find out it was her “masterpiece”.  Whoooops

Osama-  Looked just like a terrorist.  Couldn’t speak a lick of English so it was funny when someone would ask him a question and he would answer the same way every time, but even funnier is that the answer always made sense to every question.

 

There were more characters such as Baby Face and Hag, but you get an idea of the people I’m dealing with here.