Gets My Goat Series Entry 4- "You want misogyny...I'll give you misogyny"

Why is it that EVERY fucking female feels the need to put their arsenal of supplies on FAST food service counters? They need to have a fucking Express Male Correct Change Line for all of us "on the go" types.



"Medium Coffee please, $2.56. Here's $3."

See you later.

I’m out the door without my change. I don't care about those nickels. Thomas Jefferson can go lie in the change drawer with the rest of his cronies. My point is, I'm in and out.



However, these stupid women want a "Double Mocha Latte with extra sugar, a twist of lime, several varieties of cream, and a husband. Oh oh Yes and I’d like 25 munchkins and a dozen donuts...no no not that donut those are filled with carbs." (They are all filled with f'ing carbs you fat wilderbeast.)



Since none of the people speak English they come back every 2 seconds with "did you want sugar in that?" "how many munchkins did you want?" except it sounds more like "gooba dee baba go go?"



Then I look for other lines to go in and its the same across the board; Antsy males with their money ready just waiting to order their coffees all with the same exasperated air about themselves. I give them all the courtesy nod, roll of the eyes, and shake of the head as if to say "Women can't live with em, can't punch them in the face with brass knuckles".



After these whores finally finish their order they have to search through their entire bag for their purse so they can give exact change with the big bill they have in their hand because they think that is faster than just paying with the $20 bill they have in their hand at the moment.



Not to mention the fact that the people at the counter are just extra confused when you give them change on top of the $20, and it takes them an extra (I’m not exaggerating) 2 minutes to figure out that they have to press one extra button on the register to compute the denomination. Actually, in another instance I saw one registrar call over an f'ing manager to help with the math I've seen dolphins do on the Discovery Channel, but I digress.



So after they've taken everything out of their purse and put it on the counter that is already housing their scarf, mittens, walkman/iPod, keys, license, wallet, small child, and birth control pills they of course have to put everything back into the purse. I swear one of these days I'm going to push the bitch out of the way, open her bag, and just slide everything into it in a messy manner. Then upon finishing that I'll give her a swift kick in the ass. I realize I talk the talk, but it would be great to be able to do this once...just once and not have to suffer the consequences.

Few ways this could be avoided

1) DON'T hold the door open for ladies. You aren't going to get their number, they never say thank you, and they never give you a second glance. It would be funnier if you didn't open the door for them and let it shut in their face because they aren't expecting it and they end up walking into the door. High and mighty bitches...MEET GLASS!

2) All women should go to Starbucks. You are ordering the stupidest drinks ever anyway so you might as well go to the stupidest coffee place ever. You are trying to pretend to be crunchy granolie so you might as well go to the crunchiest place on the planet. Coffee Barista, fuck off. You like the place, that’s fine. Starbucks is great if you HAVE time to sit and relax and have a cup of whatever it is you get. You like variety so Starbucks is definitely the place for you. Dunkin Donuts is meat and potatoes; I shouldn't have to deal with Prissy Miss Bitchfest every morning. They shouldn't be mad at the world because they got a degree in Art History or English Lit and the only job they could get was a two bit secretarial job...NOW go get my coffee and then fax this over to more important people than you...



3) Make coffee at home or get coffee at work. A very simple solution, and one I have abided by for several years until this morning. Nothing has changed

Gets My Goat Series: Entry 3- "You Can Fight City Hall" & "Its the Little Things"

"You Can Fight City Hall"

 

 

After appealing my 3rd or 4th parking ticket, and winning each, I had to go back to my first one to see why I've become so successful at it.

 

June 17, 2010

Hearing Officer
Salem City Hall
93 Washington Street
Salem, MA 01970

RE: Parking Ticket Violation #3221926
To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to appeal parking ticket #3221926 from 6/3/10. The electronic parking machine was malfunctioning on the day in question and would not accept my card for payment. I did not have $2 cash on me at the time and the train was pulling in. I chose to catch the train as these machines have malfunctioned on many occasions.

 

Also, contrary to some people's belief, Good Samaritans do not exist. All of the people waiting in line looked at me like I had a cardboard cutout saying "Homeless, need $2 to live" after I asked if anyone had an extra $2. One person even spit on me, and another told me to get a job. I was wearing a suit. Its not as if I looked like this guy:

 

(I obviously did not put that picture or last paragraph in the letter...although maybe I should have)

Your office has probably heard numerous complaints since I saw a parking assistant down there the following Monday. I quickly blamed everything on him and would have promptly kicked him in the head, but he was wearing a neon orange protective vest coupled with an awesome moustache so I refrained from using force.

 

I do not have any additional supporting evidence other than a red face from anger, and a stubbed toe from kicking the machine (it wasn't wearing a vest).

I have enclosed a check for $2.00 as that is what I feel I owe. If my appeal is declined from this letter then I am requesting a hearing as stated in paragraph 2, sentence 2 on the violation.

Thank you in advance for your consideration on this matter.

Please contact me at (***-***-****) if further information is required.

Sincerely,


SPQ
Enclosure

"Its the Little Things"

 

 Here is a list of three things that were bothering me in March of 2010, and easily would still bother me right now if it happened again (which they have):

1) Blue Cross/Blue Shield sending me a healthcare survey without return postage. They'll send another one next month saying that I haven't filled out the survey, and so on and so on. I refuse to do a chore if I have to pay for it.

2) Stupid lady on the train who smushed next to me. First of all, she decides to eat a delicious looking muffin, which isn't that aggravating. However, if you are going to eat a piece of art you should treat it with respect. Instead, she made it look like garbage after she licked her fingers very loudly after every bite. Fair warning to my fellow Boston commuters, don't shake her hand if you see her (she looked like Ricki Lake). It was like watching a child eat a cookie for 5 hours, all soggy and linty.

3) People who don't understand the physics of multiple objects occupying the same space. Run on sentence alert! Folks, you can't walk down the middle of a flight of stairs that is about 20 feet wide side by side at a snails pace during foot traffic rush hour, and expect me not to push you out of the way. Think twice before "guffawing" because I didn't make the rules, science did.

 

 

Gets My Goat Series: Entry 2 "Cats" & "Baby Age"



Really? This is a comforting animal?



Why I Hate Cats:

A Rant Brought to You by SQ

There are times when you realize that your handheld technology is obsolete and you wish you could upgrade instantly. This morning on the train I wish my iPod volume could go to 11 (may bad things happen to you if you don't understand that movie reference) due to an inane conversation between 2 ladies about their respective cats.

I hate cats.

Why do people love these creatures? I'm not an animal lover in the first place, but cats? really? They are rude, sneaky, lazy, pee all over the place in an extremely smelly manner (I hate that smell in houses), and way too arrogant for an animal beneath me on the food chain.

I hate cats.

They don't even have a good connotation associated with their species as opposed to their more favorable pet counterparts, dogs. Consider the following:

1. Catfight vs. Dogfight- Ummm, YES I'd definitely want to be associated with a kickass aerial battle rather than a slapfest over some stupid topic.
2. Pussy vs. Puppy- I'd rather be associated with something cute and harmless rather than weak or timid.
3. Acting catty vs. Dogging it- I'd much rather be seen as lazy than bitchy and jealous for no reason.
4. Tom, Garfield, Snagglepuss, Heathcliff, Mongo, Riff Raff, Wordsworth, and Cleo (slutty vixen) were all assholes but Underdog, Clifford, Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Brandon from Punky, and Odie were all heroic or kind.

I hate cats.

 

"But Steve they are great to have around the house because they kill mice and other rodents" Really? First of all, if you are living in a house with a mouse problem that bad then you have other problems. Secondly, DeCon also kills mice and other rodents but I don't slap a collar on it and call those boxes Sheba.

 

I hate cats.

 

I hate cats.

 

Who wants an animal that more than 10 million people in the U.S. alone are allergic to? Is there another living thing on the planet that can make you break out in hives, incite asthma attacks, and make you want to take your eyeballs out? (cue the "my wife/husband" jokes) Bees don't count because they are vital to our ecosystem and are just protecting themselves. Cats do it to us just to piss us off.

 

I hate cats, did I mention that yet?.

 

Why I Hate Some People Reason #431:

Referring to children's ages by months

 

I've lamented this fact on several occassions, but it still really bugs me when parents continue to refer to their childrens' age by months after they turn one. Your child is not 24 months, he/she is 2.

 

I don't want to have to do math when I am asking a simple question. Its like giving me metric measurements instead of English ones. This is America people, lets not start acting like those whacky Europeans.

 

Why do you parents do this? If its just because toy stores and baby clothes label packages that way then I have to say, "Stop!" because that's a lame excuse to keep using months as an age. People aren't always asking the child's age because they are going to run out to the store and buy them a onesy the minute they find out.

 

They ask because they are curious about a potential oddity. For instance, "Wow, he speaks pretty well, how old is he?...Oh 48 months old you say?" (snicker to yourself because he does not speak well at ALL for a 4 year old.)  or "Wow look at the size of that noggin, how old?"

 

I FULLY give anyone permission to punch me directly in the nose if I become part of the rabble after my child turns 1....or is close to 1. If my boy/girl is 6 months old, he/she is now 1/2 year old and when he/she turns 7 months-11 months he/she is "almost 1" or "he/she will be one in August".

 

 

 

Job Nostalgia: Administrative Meetings

Having wrapped up my first year at my new employment, it has led me to be nostalgic about my old job lately. I went back to my old files and writings. I used to gripe so much about it, its a wonder I lasted 8 years there!

For instance, this was another bane of my existence there:

I'm pretty damn sure that admin meetings could be the worst thing about any job EVER!  They are entirely unproductive and the notes I end up taking look like this:

That little stick figure guy is me being shot out of a cannon into a wall, conveniently labeled "wall" in case I didn't know when I was drawing the picture. 

The words "Common Sense" refer to what everyone in the meeting, except me, is lacking.  In fact, I wish I had a towel to wipe the common sense leaking out of their ears.

 

Today's agenda involved instant messaging and if it were SEC compliant to have it on desktops.  Initially I found this to be important until it dragged on for 45 minutes of heavy debate. I zoned out after 5 minutes and constructed the masterpiece above. All anyone needed to hear, or say, was a simple "yes" or "no" or "Let's defer this topic until I confer with our attorney or comparable business." 

Well, then why didn't you speak up and say this you ask?

Because there's a certain element of the office that loves the stench of the bullshit that they spew out of their mouths so any contrary idea quickly gets dumped on...loudly. It usually starts with, "AAAAACTUALLY..." and ends with "PLLLPHHHHT HEEE HAWWWW" or something to that effect.

That actually isn't one of the worst topics of discussion in one of these meetings.  The worst transgression came with the heated topic of what kind of drinks should be in the fridge.  That argument lasted a full 20 minutes, I shit you not!  I felt like I was on a prom committee or something stupid like that.  Anyway, once again, I'm angry.