Lunch Thief Ninjas

I guess to start, I'm an anonymous citizen who hacked into this unsuspecting blog hoping to wreak havoc, post a couple nudies and talk dick and fart jokes.  No actually I'm just a friend of Steve's whose read a few of his posts and thought I could make a little sense of what his stupid mouth is trying to spew...  Okay that was harsh, what I meant was that we have a lot of the same social, economic, maniacal thoughts so I figured we'd go together like a nice peanut butter and fluff (thought I was gonna say jelly huh you predictable bastard?).

Anyways, you know what "Gets My Goat"?  The social deviants who fuck with other people's lunches in the shared office refrigerator.  I mean, seriously these people should have their own segregated wing of Shawshank let alone be in the general public.  I should start by mentioning I work for a large company with many people sharing the same amenities (fridges, sinks, water bubblers, shitters, etc) and I've never seen such Medieval behavior than in my wing of the building and our mini-kitchen.  I swear there were more manners in the days when William Wallace was gutting the English than there is in this mini-kitchen.  FYI - I'm calling it a "mini-kitchen" because that is what it is. There is a sink, a water cooler, a roll of paper towels, a good sized fridge, and about 5 sq feet of space to dodge in and out of the way of the other "walkers" going about their day. 

When I get in and open the fridge and every square foot of the fridge is covered in lunch bags, I know it's going to be one of those days.  I normally cuss at the sky and move on thinking there could not be any more damage done.  Ohhhhhhhhh boy was I wrong.  So when lunchtime arrives, I head to the kitchen to get my grub on and fetch my lunch bag.  I open the fridge and its practically empty with a few items still hanging out, and there's my lunch on the bottom shelf.  It is now open, bag ripped, and my rasberry Nutrigrain bar is hanging outside the bag in the fridge chilling by himself like he didn't want to hang out with the rest of the lunch anymore.  I was awestruck!  This was just your basic Market Basket plastic bag that I purposely tie up so shit doesn't fall out, however, on this day someone made it a point to open the bag and go through it!  What kind of sick individual does that?  This happens at least a few times a month.  The funny part is they were obviously looking for something good, a nice lil' snack like a cupcake or something like that.  They were sadly mistaken to find my turkey sangwich on french roll, cape cod chips in another plastic bag, nutrigrain bar (fuck they're good!) and Diet Coke.  Suck it lunch thief!  I've been making it a point to leisurely stroll into the kitchen around 11:45 or so to see if this person was up to their old tricks but have had no luck.  They are like a ninja in how they go about their craft of going through random strangers' lunch bags and I can't find them.  I have my suspects, and I'll be watching them. 

Maybe a boobie trap is in the works like we used to set up in our old desks in catholic elementary school days because the public school kids sat our desks on Sundays and stole shit.  So many great erasers and pencil sharpeners were taken from me and my buddies and we had enough of it.  I digress...

That's How You Debate!

Guy Smiley (Romney) acted like a 3 year old when he didn't get his chance to speak, very uncomfortable to watch.

 

However, the people in the crowd asking questions were fucking phenomenal with their Long Island accents. I hacked up a lung laughing when Jeremy Epstein asked his question and then the follow up question by the dude with the picnic table tie about gas prices...and thennnn the lady who forgot what she was asking and had to dig into her pocket for the crumpled up question...Obama: "You're doing great." hahahahhahaha too fucking funny. Readers may remember that lady that Johnny Man ran into at that Dunks at Hoolan's wedding (see "Old Travel Journal" entry) ? CAWWFEEE...that was her, had to be.

Why can't any politician just answer a question directly. You don't HAVE to take 2 minutes to wax on "poetically" about nothing.

Picnic Table Tie (paraphrased his garbled question): "What are you specifically going to do about gas prices as they are close to $4.00 a gallon?"

Romney: "Blah blah blah blah energy independence by destroying the environment with the worst natural resource in coal blah blah blah pipeline from canada blah blah blah blah two birds were killed by wind energy blah blah blah America Fuck YEah!"

Obama: "Blah blah blah energy independence blah blah blah Romney is a liar blah blah blah Detroit Cars baby, Detroit blah blah blah energy efficient cars blah blah blah 30 years down the road gas prices will be lower than they are now in present value terms blah blah I approve this message with my loosened tie and rolled up sleeves."

Mama Cass Moderator: "Ummm sooo that doesn't address gas prices at all, how are you going to do it, NOW, not years later?"

Quin from the comforts of his bed yelling at the TV with absolutely no facts/sources to back this up: "Gas prices aren't high due to a lack of oil, they are high due to a lack of refineries in the US. I will lower gas prices by $2 in my first term by 1) Releasing the entire US Oil reserve in Texas 2) Building or reopening 10 oil refinieries in strategic regions across the US (it can be done in 4 years if it is concentrated on see FDR years) 3) Bartering our vast resources in food and expertise in smart grid infrastructure for gasoline, not oil, from other countries. Simultaneously, for the much longer term I will be championing the same mandates Mr. President has been offering with regards to alternative energy sources and phasing out gas combustion transportation engines. We have the technology let's use it, and quickly....oh and God Bless America and our Troops, BRING THEM HOME!"

Wife: "You are a blustery a$$hole."

Imaginary Crowd: "BOOOOO BOOOO"

Gets My Goat Series Entry #6-Children's TV, Nope Technology actually

An extremely large problems with keep why don't you understand with Helen talk new line. Enter Dragon sucks enter

tried writing the first two lines of this entry with Dragon speak software it's retarded maybe I should get gets my goat series entry number seven Dragon speak software it's the worst actually can they keep it going with this entire entry see exactly how accurate it is so positive had 5000 errors and Natalie said words I destined to go to a

At least five times do into the line and yelled the microphone just get to Ottawa's retarded as anyone uses this is the worst program of around my entire life to microphone and Steve know this is stupid

By now you are saying what the hell? Well, those previous three paragraphs were me trying to type using Dragon Naturally Speak Software.

You know the one that is supposed to save you fucking time when you write? I spent the entire time yelling into the microphone like I was talking to tech support from India.

My exchange with microphone:

My first attempt at just talking: "Here is why I think Kid's TV shows suck nowadays."
Dragon's Interpretation: "$#*() FJFJFJ GABBA GABBA DEE"

Me perplexed: "Delete Line"
Dragon: "Delete Line"
Me anger increaseing: "No, delete the line"
Dragon: "No, delight is in the pine"
Me fever pitch anger: "Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck it, i'll do it."
Dragon: "Are you fucking kid and me? Locket, I'll do it."

Anger subsides a little...I adjusted microphone hoping that may help...by throwing it on the ground and stomping on it.

Fuck you Dragon, bullshit.

Anyway, I hate kid's TV nowadays that is all. I can't even concentrate I'm so pissed. I'll have to do a separate Gets My Goat Entry for it.