So I've only written a few blogs on Mr. Quin's blog partly because of laziness, partly forgetting about it, and partly the idea of not being funny/informative (strong possibility). But having read his recent excerpts from his time in Cocktail U (THE UUUUU), I am ashamed and enlightened to let you know that I also attended this 14 days of hell. Mine was in Tewksbury which was 10 mins from my apartment at the time so I guess it could've been worse. I won't get into a full breakdown of this experience but wanted to make it a point to speak about my roommate.
This gentlemen was an oversized man who, as intimidating as he was at first (6'4", at least 260), I immediately detected a "bull-shit" factor with him and that he had a Dr. Suess level of story-telling in him. This was evident after Day #1. Not sure if SQ mentioned how shitty Day 1 was but I must say it was the worst day of my adult life. After checking, waiting, then filling out the paper work, waiting, meeting the nurse about health stuff, then waiting some more... Finally ending up in the most important room in the building to the DUIL folk, the payment part. You then wait more, get assigned a room with your belongings that were sifted through, chucked into a nasty sleeping bad-type bags, and waiting a little more before you were assigned your room. Finally, I was like "nice, whether there's a dude there or not, I will lay down for the 20 mins we were given as a break, and savor every minute. I walked in to see Shrek (that's what I call him now circa 2013, Shrek), laying on the bottom bunk (fucker) and waiting to annoy someone. Shrek was friendly and actually made me feel comfortable because he appeared cool and didn't want to be there just as much as me. Only problem? Shrek talked my fucking ear off like I was Donkey waiting to get his opinions on the world.
After a long day of bullshit and the last meeting of the head counselers pretty much telling us we were in their house and it was their rules and we were fucked, and blah blah blah... it was time for "free time" on our floor prior to lights out. I met a couple of cool guys my age that could be somewhat conversational through these 14 long days. But by lights out, I was nearly sleeping... And then.... Shrek starting talking, and talking about everything one person could possibly talk about.
Not to drag on with this post (too late), but Shrek had a theory that he claims: "Believe me, I know people in positions of power that know these are facts". I'm talking about the fact that the government can control the natural disasters our world encounters every year, some bigger than others. They can control deadly earthquakes, volcano eruptions, tornadoes and tidal waves, etc. You get the picture, this motherfucker claimed it was the gov't controlled this so they can control the population by having people die in these natural disasters, so the world doesn't get overpopulated. I am as awestruck as anyone reading this (anyone?). This, and the fact that the still in power Nazi organization still exists and counsels our gov't to make this over-population theory acted upon. This dude claims that there is an alien lifeform that the gov't controls and that they can control these weather systems, and can make them as bad as they want, but the Nazi's are very much still in place (I'm not talking neo-Nazi extremist groups, but actual persons of power a-la Hitler).
So after 60 mins of trying to sleep, and me occassionally asking if he was fucking with me and asking follow up questions to see if he'd finally admit he was fucking with me... He then goes on to... I finally fall asleep. A few more nights of this psychotic babble eventually led me to my best defense: pretending to sleep. He'd be like "you asleep?" and I would not answer pretending to sleep, which led him to SHUT THHHHEEEE FUCK UPPPPP!
My only satisfying point to the entire 14 days was stepping down my shady ladder they provided to get off the top bunk to go and piss, and "accidentally" stepping on Shrek's shin only to have him wake with a screech and a "fuckkk mannnn". I did this 3 more times with the same results.
Finally, as freedom day came he asked me to give him a ride to a train station so he could get to Boston and buy new clothes and do god knows what. I sucked it up and had my girlfriend (literally a saint), drive this asswipe to the commuter rail for him to catch a train. Upon arriving I told him his train was 10 mins away and he wanted the "outbound" train.
As we drove away, I sat back in the car seat only to feel a sense of satisfaction know this story-telling Oger would be heading to Lowell with about an hour wait.
I also learned alot that week, but the most important was that some people live in a different reality, even if its a parallel universe of old acid trips and ideas of Nazi-aliens controlling our natural disasters.
Damn I need a drink (with NO driving) :)
Friday, July 26, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Lessons in Douchebaggery
Oh it be rant time!
Why must people talk on their phones like they are eating a piece of pizza? Why? Just put it to your fucking ear and talk on it like it was designed to do.
Nevermind the fact that I hate when people put me on speaker in the first place because you can't hear a fucking goddamn thing they are saying, now I'm relegated to watching these douchebags walk down the street with their inane conversations holding the fucking phone like they are going to take a delicate bite out of it. They can't even eat phone pizza right.
That's a lesson in douchebaggery for another day..the way douchebags eat. They take pieces off things like everything is fucking cotton candy rather than destroying food like it was meant to be. You take that goddamn pizza and shove as much of it in your mouth at once like a fucking man. You don't tear off a piece of crust and eat it like a pussy fart...but I digress. Like I said, a lesson for another day.
See Below:
Annoys the piss out of me...literally. I see this and I immediately piss myself uncontrollably because I'm annoyed.
Oh there's another lesson in douchebaggery right there...using the word literally either figuratively or fucking out of context when it doesn't belong. Such as, "I literally was all like, oh my god." huh? infuriating...breaaaaaaaaaaathe.
Why must people talk on their phones like they are eating a piece of pizza? Why? Just put it to your fucking ear and talk on it like it was designed to do.
Nevermind the fact that I hate when people put me on speaker in the first place because you can't hear a fucking goddamn thing they are saying, now I'm relegated to watching these douchebags walk down the street with their inane conversations holding the fucking phone like they are going to take a delicate bite out of it. They can't even eat phone pizza right.
That's a lesson in douchebaggery for another day..the way douchebags eat. They take pieces off things like everything is fucking cotton candy rather than destroying food like it was meant to be. You take that goddamn pizza and shove as much of it in your mouth at once like a fucking man. You don't tear off a piece of crust and eat it like a pussy fart...but I digress. Like I said, a lesson for another day.
See Below:
Annoys the piss out of me...literally. I see this and I immediately piss myself uncontrollably because I'm annoyed.
Oh there's another lesson in douchebaggery right there...using the word literally either figuratively or fucking out of context when it doesn't belong. Such as, "I literally was all like, oh my god." huh? infuriating...breaaaaaaaaaaathe.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Full Circle Series: Epilogue
In all seriousness, I took a lot out of these two
weeks. The experience gave me so much
time to think and reflect that I didn’t need the classes or groups that
much. However, this 2 week “seminar”
just reinforced the thoughts of changes I wanted to make and was already
making.
3) My confidence/self esteem is a real issue that needs to be addressed.
4) Awareness of paths that lead to irresponsible drinking behavior have been identified. Excess doesn't come from depression or sadness, but when things are actually going really well.
5) Awareness that this kind of drinking derailment runs in our family. Use it as a bookmark reminder. I do not want to go down that path.
Author's Note 2013:
Years later, getting married and having a child have also dampered my intemperate youth.
My last significant spat with drinking to excess came a few years ago when I ended up falling asleep in a haunted house, but that's a story for another day.
I am hoping
with all my heart that my ordeal has taught you all a lesson. I can’t shove this philosophy of not drinking
and driving down your throat because I feel like you can only truly learn
through experience. As sad as that is,
it rings true for most. I know it did
for me.
Several
realizations have taken place during my residency here.
1) Upon my reflections and observations I will
not take things for granted anymore. I'm not invincible.
2) I have
identified my demon and its name is Hard Liquor. Whenever I have gotten in trouble in my life
it has been in direct correlation with me drinking hard booze. (Author's note 2013: Still a "dark passenger" in my life, you will hardly ever see me drinking it)
I finish
this journey the same way I started it, excited and anxious. This time however, it is because I’m
embracing freedom once again with a new lease on life. I am truly more enlightened after finishing
this program, and I hope I at least stirred some inner thoughts in each of you.
Author's Note 2013:
Years later, getting married and having a child have also dampered my intemperate youth.
My last significant spat with drinking to excess came a few years ago when I ended up falling asleep in a haunted house, but that's a story for another day.
Full Circle Series Day 14: Get This Damn Tag Off Of Me!
All I can think about now is
getting out of here. I just looked at
the clock and it ticked backwards. They
have to give me something to do so the time will go by faster. It is really windy out, cold, and I ran out
of socks. Somehow I lost a pair even
though I didn’t do laundry. I swear when
I find that sock leprechaun I’m going to teach him a lesson. Actually, I’ll steal his socks one by one and
see how he likes it.
I have picked up an idiosyncrasy that I never thought would happen. From observing and making fun of my Dad so much with the way he eats jelly beans, M&M’s, popcorn, or peanuts I have picked up the same tic. I noticed it the other day when I was eating jelly beans and I immediately fell to my knees screaming, “NOOOOOOO”.
You know those cliche prison exit scenes from movies where the ex-con comes out of the prison with just a paper bag and there's his mistress leaning on the car waiting for him? Yes, a wild hugging scene ensues and blah blah blah.
Mine? I come out in above mentioned crappy weather to my Dad in the cozy warm car with a scowl on his face, white knuckled and ready to go.
Me: "Hey Dad, missed you! Can't wait to get home!"
Dad: "Got everything? Let's go"
Not exactly what I envisioned.
I have picked up an idiosyncrasy that I never thought would happen. From observing and making fun of my Dad so much with the way he eats jelly beans, M&M’s, popcorn, or peanuts I have picked up the same tic. I noticed it the other day when I was eating jelly beans and I immediately fell to my knees screaming, “NOOOOOOO”.
You know those cliche prison exit scenes from movies where the ex-con comes out of the prison with just a paper bag and there's his mistress leaning on the car waiting for him? Yes, a wild hugging scene ensues and blah blah blah.
Mine? I come out in above mentioned crappy weather to my Dad in the cozy warm car with a scowl on his face, white knuckled and ready to go.
Me: "Hey Dad, missed you! Can't wait to get home!"
Dad: "Got everything? Let's go"
Not exactly what I envisioned.
Full Circle Series Day 13: Routine
It just occurred to me that I
never gave an example of my daily schedule.
Here is a running blog of a typical day’s events:
6:30 - Wake up Call/Smoke Break: Personally, I think they
should just yell "Smoke Break!" instead of "Wake Up!" because that is when everyone
comes running out of their rooms like it’s a fire drill. Meanwhile, I don’t hear a thing anymore
because I have my ear plugs stuck so far in my ear I need the jaws-of-life to
get them out of my head. Oh yeah did I
mention that my roommate raises and races pigeons?
7:00 - Roll Call + Breakfast: They read off everyone’s name
to make sure they are there then we go off to breakfast consisting of cereal,
toast, and bananas. Everyday, for 14
days, cereal, toast, and bananas. So of
course I stopped eating it on the 3rd day when I realized there
wasn’t going to be steak and eggs anytime soon.
I still have to travel down the 92 steps to sit there for 5 minutes then
rebelliously sneak out and climb back up the 92 steps. Come to find out I’m not rebellious at all
since another kid sneaks back into his room everyday despite the cameras going
down the hall. I tried this once, got
away with it, but never did it again because I was pacing back and forth in my
room freaking out about getting caught.
8:15- Groups: We travel down 75 steps to go into a room and talk about things that are to stay in that room. Needless to say nothing is ever said so it doesn’t matter.
9:15 -10:45 -
Mandatory Recreation: I wouldn’t really classify this as recreation since it is
mandatory, and also because it resembles more of a cattle train. They round us up for a walk around the worst
part of Worcester Worcester
11:00 - Class: This is class time in which in previous days
I told you how I take notes and how I spend the whole hour pondering new ways
the cafeteria can incorporate beans into the menu.
12:00 - Lunch: Everything has beans in it. Sometimes it makes sense i.e. franks and
beans, but other times makes you scratch you head in wonder. Why are there beans with seafood salad? Doesn’t seem right at all. This doesn’t stop me from eating it however
(see not losing weight).
12:45 -3:00 -
Optional Recreation: If it’s nice out we go play softball. On the way to the field we converse with the
local patrons who must be on the weekend parade committee I mentioned earlier
because I see them asking for donations with catchy slogans on their cardboard
signs. If it is raining I go nap for 3
hours. (Author's Note 2013: 3 hours???? I'd kill for 15 minutes nowadays)
3:00- Class- I fall asleep through most of these too. I wouldn’t have to if my roommate didn’t snore at night and my dreams err nightmares weren’t filled with pigeons flying after me with my roommate who has 2 teeth laughing at me.
4:00- Group project/Class- These were put into place to promote teamwork, get to know each other, and to see that there are other things to do other than drink alcohol to have fun. Hmmmm, if I am making straw constructions that house an egg so it doesn’t break and drawing pictures of fictional animals while I am sober, people are going to think I am drunk at the time I am doing these things so I may as well become an alcoholic.
5:00- Dinner: More impressive bean creations…Bean pudding? What the?
7:00- AA meeting: The first AA meeting was interesting and enlightening. Then they had another one…and another one…and ANOTHER ONE. Pretty soon it got diluted and redundant so I stopped listening. We had that victim’s perspective class in this time slot one night and you all know how that went.
8:15 - Closing meeting: Oh, if only you guys could be a fly
on the wall for these meetings. So much
bullshit is flying around I’m surprised we don’t have a fly infestation. Everyone just wants to get out of there, even
the ones who are sincere and want help…even the counselors. It’s been a long day and everyone just wants
to go relax. Of course, there is one
person who doesn’t feel this vibe and is completely oblivious to it all.
MKIA doesn’t seem to understand that we don’t care about how the death of her cat is what causes her to drink. When the circle comes around to her EVERYONE rolls their eyes and starts getting huffy and impatient. Another interesting transformation takes place here. 35 yr olds cut their ages in half instantly and start making fart noises as well as other peanut gallery tomfoolery, but MKIA still drones on despite all this.
9-10:30: Depending on when MKIA shuts her yap we get the rest of the night free. I play cards, mostly Pitch. This is when the dinner band starts to come out and play. People’s bowels have no control over it, and it has a lot to do with the steady diet of beans. Gross I know, but it is not our fault. At least that is what the counselors have been telling us during our stay. Beaning is a disease…oh wait they were talking about alcohol, I should pay more attention.
10:30- Lights out: Yup quiet time until my roommate who raises and races pigeons (I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that yet) bitches and moans about the day then laments about how a raccoon got into his pigeon coop and ate one of his prized racers. Then I get to listen to him snore…Then I fall asleep.
Those were my days in a nutshell.
Here is a running blog of a typical day’s events:
8:15- Groups: We travel down 75 steps to go into a room and talk about things that are to stay in that room. Needless to say nothing is ever said so it doesn’t matter.
3:00- Class- I fall asleep through most of these too. I wouldn’t have to if my roommate didn’t snore at night and my dreams err nightmares weren’t filled with pigeons flying after me with my roommate who has 2 teeth laughing at me.
4:00- Group project/Class- These were put into place to promote teamwork, get to know each other, and to see that there are other things to do other than drink alcohol to have fun. Hmmmm, if I am making straw constructions that house an egg so it doesn’t break and drawing pictures of fictional animals while I am sober, people are going to think I am drunk at the time I am doing these things so I may as well become an alcoholic.
5:00- Dinner: More impressive bean creations…Bean pudding? What the?
7:00- AA meeting: The first AA meeting was interesting and enlightening. Then they had another one…and another one…and ANOTHER ONE. Pretty soon it got diluted and redundant so I stopped listening. We had that victim’s perspective class in this time slot one night and you all know how that went.
MKIA doesn’t seem to understand that we don’t care about how the death of her cat is what causes her to drink. When the circle comes around to her EVERYONE rolls their eyes and starts getting huffy and impatient. Another interesting transformation takes place here. 35 yr olds cut their ages in half instantly and start making fart noises as well as other peanut gallery tomfoolery, but MKIA still drones on despite all this.
9-10:30: Depending on when MKIA shuts her yap we get the rest of the night free. I play cards, mostly Pitch. This is when the dinner band starts to come out and play. People’s bowels have no control over it, and it has a lot to do with the steady diet of beans. Gross I know, but it is not our fault. At least that is what the counselors have been telling us during our stay. Beaning is a disease…oh wait they were talking about alcohol, I should pay more attention.
10:30- Lights out: Yup quiet time until my roommate who raises and races pigeons (I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that yet) bitches and moans about the day then laments about how a raccoon got into his pigeon coop and ate one of his prized racers. Then I get to listen to him snore…Then I fall asleep.
Those were my days in a nutshell.
Full Circle Series Day 12: Whoops!
Today was a 16 hour zone
out. I was not in the mood to listen at
all. In fact, my notes on spirituality
were mostly doodles consisting of cubes, me hanging myself from being so bored,
or pictures of anvils dropping on the people who asked questions just to hear
their own voice.
I was really on edge today, probably from lack of sleep, and I enforced that fact when I blew up at Webster. He kept running his mouth for a full 20 minutes about checkers and just refused to shut up despite my mind rays telling him otherwise. So I took the direct approach instead and told him to go be a nice boy and sit down (obviously said in harsher words and in my high pitched mad voice that no one can take seriously).
Since I have been relatively quiet all week this came as a surprise to everyone, and even with the high pitched mad voice, my point still got across because silence overcame the room. However, it didn’t reach our little Dominican friend because he had the gall to yell back at me saying I should mind my own business. Well, it is my business when you drone on and on about something as petty as a lost checkers game so loudly I can’t hear myself think anymore. Ugh, the little dink will probably have his posse out to get me when we get out of here.
Anyhoo, I had the age old lesson of not judging a book by its cover reinforced today. Senor Poopy Pants isn’t all that he appears to be. He just has had an unfortunate past, but he is trying to make things right. I’ll tell you that this guy has the driest sense of humor I have ever heard, so much so, that I can’t tell if he is kidding half the time.
If I can get through tomorrow fast enough I think I’ll be good to go. I thought I was going to lose weight while I was here, but it doesn’t appear that I have achieved that feat. Then again, how would I know when I see myself everyday. Outside comments will tell if I have or not.
Excuse me while I go rip Webster’s ears off and shove them up his ass so he can hear what he sounds like when he speaks.
I was really on edge today, probably from lack of sleep, and I enforced that fact when I blew up at Webster. He kept running his mouth for a full 20 minutes about checkers and just refused to shut up despite my mind rays telling him otherwise. So I took the direct approach instead and told him to go be a nice boy and sit down (obviously said in harsher words and in my high pitched mad voice that no one can take seriously).
Since I have been relatively quiet all week this came as a surprise to everyone, and even with the high pitched mad voice, my point still got across because silence overcame the room. However, it didn’t reach our little Dominican friend because he had the gall to yell back at me saying I should mind my own business. Well, it is my business when you drone on and on about something as petty as a lost checkers game so loudly I can’t hear myself think anymore. Ugh, the little dink will probably have his posse out to get me when we get out of here.
Anyhoo, I had the age old lesson of not judging a book by its cover reinforced today. Senor Poopy Pants isn’t all that he appears to be. He just has had an unfortunate past, but he is trying to make things right. I’ll tell you that this guy has the driest sense of humor I have ever heard, so much so, that I can’t tell if he is kidding half the time.
If I can get through tomorrow fast enough I think I’ll be good to go. I thought I was going to lose weight while I was here, but it doesn’t appear that I have achieved that feat. Then again, how would I know when I see myself everyday. Outside comments will tell if I have or not.
Excuse me while I go rip Webster’s ears off and shove them up his ass so he can hear what he sounds like when he speaks.
Full Circle Series Day 11: Home Stretch
I’m getting close to the end of
this journey. There are only a few more
days until my impending freedom.
Everyone’s tensions are running high, and they are sick of the stupid
rules that we have to follow. I for one
agree about the name tag rule. I’m
pretty sure everybody knows each other’s names by now so why are you taking
away people’s smoke breaks for not wearing them? Stupid.
As a matter of fact, Guy got yelled at today for mouthing off to Uncle
Buzz.
I had a random thought in one of our classes while I was eating some peanut butter crackers. I looked at the Keebler Elf and thought there was an uncanny resemblance to Henry Lavallee. Those of you who don’t know this man he is a family friend who lives up the street from my parents. My dad says he is the “salt of the earth” whatever the hell that means.
They made us write a letter as if we died in our last DUI incident to someone we loved or had unresolved issues with. I had a really tough time writing this for several reasons. First, how do I put all of these words and emotions on to paper in a half hour in basically 2 pages? Also, who the hell do I pick? There are so many people I care about and there is so much to be said. That is when it hit me, I don’t express my feelings (good, bad, or ugly) to the people I care about. I have taken this for granted as I’m sure we all have, but to get an assignment like this really puts things into perspective.
I will not reveal who I finally wrote the letter to, nor will I disclose the content of the letter. I actually ended up writing several of them in the time that I had, but none of them sounded right, and neither did the finished product. Like I stated before, there’s too much that had to be said and thought about before this could be done correctly. (Author's Note 2013: I have no clue where I stored that letter. If my mom did some snooping she's probably find it in things I left at the house before moving out. "Why'd you write this to so and so?" That'll be fun.)
I had a random thought in one of our classes while I was eating some peanut butter crackers. I looked at the Keebler Elf and thought there was an uncanny resemblance to Henry Lavallee. Those of you who don’t know this man he is a family friend who lives up the street from my parents. My dad says he is the “salt of the earth” whatever the hell that means.
They made us write a letter as if we died in our last DUI incident to someone we loved or had unresolved issues with. I had a really tough time writing this for several reasons. First, how do I put all of these words and emotions on to paper in a half hour in basically 2 pages? Also, who the hell do I pick? There are so many people I care about and there is so much to be said. That is when it hit me, I don’t express my feelings (good, bad, or ugly) to the people I care about. I have taken this for granted as I’m sure we all have, but to get an assignment like this really puts things into perspective.
I will not reveal who I finally wrote the letter to, nor will I disclose the content of the letter. I actually ended up writing several of them in the time that I had, but none of them sounded right, and neither did the finished product. Like I stated before, there’s too much that had to be said and thought about before this could be done correctly. (Author's Note 2013: I have no clue where I stored that letter. If my mom did some snooping she's probably find it in things I left at the house before moving out. "Why'd you write this to so and so?" That'll be fun.)
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