Gets My Goat Series: Entry 3- "You Can Fight City Hall" & "Its the Little Things"

"You Can Fight City Hall"

 

 

After appealing my 3rd or 4th parking ticket, and winning each, I had to go back to my first one to see why I've become so successful at it.

 

June 17, 2010

Hearing Officer
Salem City Hall
93 Washington Street
Salem, MA 01970

RE: Parking Ticket Violation #3221926
To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to appeal parking ticket #3221926 from 6/3/10. The electronic parking machine was malfunctioning on the day in question and would not accept my card for payment. I did not have $2 cash on me at the time and the train was pulling in. I chose to catch the train as these machines have malfunctioned on many occasions.

 

Also, contrary to some people's belief, Good Samaritans do not exist. All of the people waiting in line looked at me like I had a cardboard cutout saying "Homeless, need $2 to live" after I asked if anyone had an extra $2. One person even spit on me, and another told me to get a job. I was wearing a suit. Its not as if I looked like this guy:

 

(I obviously did not put that picture or last paragraph in the letter...although maybe I should have)

Your office has probably heard numerous complaints since I saw a parking assistant down there the following Monday. I quickly blamed everything on him and would have promptly kicked him in the head, but he was wearing a neon orange protective vest coupled with an awesome moustache so I refrained from using force.

 

I do not have any additional supporting evidence other than a red face from anger, and a stubbed toe from kicking the machine (it wasn't wearing a vest).

I have enclosed a check for $2.00 as that is what I feel I owe. If my appeal is declined from this letter then I am requesting a hearing as stated in paragraph 2, sentence 2 on the violation.

Thank you in advance for your consideration on this matter.

Please contact me at (***-***-****) if further information is required.

Sincerely,


SPQ
Enclosure

"Its the Little Things"

 

 Here is a list of three things that were bothering me in March of 2010, and easily would still bother me right now if it happened again (which they have):

1) Blue Cross/Blue Shield sending me a healthcare survey without return postage. They'll send another one next month saying that I haven't filled out the survey, and so on and so on. I refuse to do a chore if I have to pay for it.

2) Stupid lady on the train who smushed next to me. First of all, she decides to eat a delicious looking muffin, which isn't that aggravating. However, if you are going to eat a piece of art you should treat it with respect. Instead, she made it look like garbage after she licked her fingers very loudly after every bite. Fair warning to my fellow Boston commuters, don't shake her hand if you see her (she looked like Ricki Lake). It was like watching a child eat a cookie for 5 hours, all soggy and linty.

3) People who don't understand the physics of multiple objects occupying the same space. Run on sentence alert! Folks, you can't walk down the middle of a flight of stairs that is about 20 feet wide side by side at a snails pace during foot traffic rush hour, and expect me not to push you out of the way. Think twice before "guffawing" because I didn't make the rules, science did.