Gets My Goat Series: Entry 2 "Cats" & "Baby Age"



Really? This is a comforting animal?



Why I Hate Cats:

A Rant Brought to You by SQ

There are times when you realize that your handheld technology is obsolete and you wish you could upgrade instantly. This morning on the train I wish my iPod volume could go to 11 (may bad things happen to you if you don't understand that movie reference) due to an inane conversation between 2 ladies about their respective cats.

I hate cats.

Why do people love these creatures? I'm not an animal lover in the first place, but cats? really? They are rude, sneaky, lazy, pee all over the place in an extremely smelly manner (I hate that smell in houses), and way too arrogant for an animal beneath me on the food chain.

I hate cats.

They don't even have a good connotation associated with their species as opposed to their more favorable pet counterparts, dogs. Consider the following:

1. Catfight vs. Dogfight- Ummm, YES I'd definitely want to be associated with a kickass aerial battle rather than a slapfest over some stupid topic.
2. Pussy vs. Puppy- I'd rather be associated with something cute and harmless rather than weak or timid.
3. Acting catty vs. Dogging it- I'd much rather be seen as lazy than bitchy and jealous for no reason.
4. Tom, Garfield, Snagglepuss, Heathcliff, Mongo, Riff Raff, Wordsworth, and Cleo (slutty vixen) were all assholes but Underdog, Clifford, Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Brandon from Punky, and Odie were all heroic or kind.

I hate cats.

 

"But Steve they are great to have around the house because they kill mice and other rodents" Really? First of all, if you are living in a house with a mouse problem that bad then you have other problems. Secondly, DeCon also kills mice and other rodents but I don't slap a collar on it and call those boxes Sheba.

 

I hate cats.

 

I hate cats.

 

Who wants an animal that more than 10 million people in the U.S. alone are allergic to? Is there another living thing on the planet that can make you break out in hives, incite asthma attacks, and make you want to take your eyeballs out? (cue the "my wife/husband" jokes) Bees don't count because they are vital to our ecosystem and are just protecting themselves. Cats do it to us just to piss us off.

 

I hate cats, did I mention that yet?.

 

Why I Hate Some People Reason #431:

Referring to children's ages by months

 

I've lamented this fact on several occassions, but it still really bugs me when parents continue to refer to their childrens' age by months after they turn one. Your child is not 24 months, he/she is 2.

 

I don't want to have to do math when I am asking a simple question. Its like giving me metric measurements instead of English ones. This is America people, lets not start acting like those whacky Europeans.

 

Why do you parents do this? If its just because toy stores and baby clothes label packages that way then I have to say, "Stop!" because that's a lame excuse to keep using months as an age. People aren't always asking the child's age because they are going to run out to the store and buy them a onesy the minute they find out.

 

They ask because they are curious about a potential oddity. For instance, "Wow, he speaks pretty well, how old is he?...Oh 48 months old you say?" (snicker to yourself because he does not speak well at ALL for a 4 year old.)  or "Wow look at the size of that noggin, how old?"

 

I FULLY give anyone permission to punch me directly in the nose if I become part of the rabble after my child turns 1....or is close to 1. If my boy/girl is 6 months old, he/she is now 1/2 year old and when he/she turns 7 months-11 months he/she is "almost 1" or "he/she will be one in August".