Boston Common Squirrels

I wrote this 6 years ago. Boston Common squirrels were decrepit looking creatures back then, and they are still disgusting now.

 Boston Common Squirrels

Growing up surrounded by various hobos and malcontents by night, and intelligent students, business elite, and lawyer folks by day, gives these squirrels on the Boston Common the street smarts as well as the book smarts to survive.  I, for one, am petrified of them. 

One time when I was walking hurriedly to the train late at night I saw a squirrel leaning against a tree with its hair greased back, a cigarette in its mouth, and a leather jacket to boot! 

He asked, "Got a light?" in a gravelly voice.

I responded nervously, "I don't sm...sm...smoke."  

He shrugged and pulled a match out. Then he lit it against the tree, and took a long drag off the cigarette.

I skittishly moved on with the irking sense that I was being followed.  Just as I was about to climb the stairs to freedom from the Common, another squirrel thug popped out from behind a tree! He flicked a switchblade open at me, and told me, "Give me dose roasted nuts, and don't try any funny business!" (he may or may not have said "See?" like they do in those old 50's gangster movies. Things were happening so fast.) 

I told him in an obviously scared manner, "I, I, I have no idea what you're talking. I can't eat nuts...I'm allergic to them." 

"Don't get smaht with me, see, I saw you buy them from that chubby asshole just a few minutes ago, see. Falk ovah the loot or I'll haveta gut ya"  

I tried to turn around to flee, but the bearer of the cigarette, "Smokey", was right there to cut me off!  He flicked the stub of what remained of his cigarette at my chest, burning embers included, and then made a nodding gesture toward the other lackey squirrel.

In a surprising show of quickness and agility the blade wielding squirrel made a move to my face, teeth reared back to show 2 vicious looking fangs, and knife splayed ready to strike.  I did the only courageous thing I could think of. I reached into my pocket for the nuts that I supposedly didn't have, and threw them at my assailant.  With my cloaking agent of caramel roasted nuts covering the air and ground I made my escape to the stairs. 

I have never used that route since.